President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

By: Nicholas Scutti

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales.

“It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started building houses for the poor, which he won the Nobel Peace Prize for, because of the lessons he learned from Bob the Tomato and Larry the Cucumber.”

The members of the convention agreed there were several episodes of the CGI children’s show that would have taught Trump how to be a better person. Some examples include when Madame Blueberry learned how to be thankful for what she has, when Junior the Asparagus lied so much that he was indicted for treason against the U.S. government,  and when Bob and Larry learn that Mexicans aren’t rapists or murderers.

“I mean, the Mexicans were represented by Avocados, but you get the idea,” explained Rabbi Jonah Meckowski. “Shoot, even if he heard the song ‘His Cheeseburger’, he’d definitely would’ve waited before declaring trade wars against our allies.”

The members of the convention voted thirty to five to send a few VHS tapes of the 90s favorite to the White House, in hopes that he can watch a few episodes and lead his life the way virtuous, talking vegetables would. However, most analysts from Word Brothel agree the tapes will just be thrown in the pile with other VHS and DVD copies of films and television episodes, including Bill Nye the Science Guy and Zootopia.