Oscar Nominees Who Didn’t Win Release Their Acceptance Speeches

in Celebrity/Movies/Politics by
2/28/2017

Each year at the Oscars, America looks forward to hearing the nominees who win best actor/actress. Their speeches are so well written and delivered that they are both a reflection of their acting abilities as well as their personhood. Sometimes political, sometimes personal, oftentimes a perfect cross section of the two. Unfortunately for us, we don’t get to hear the speeches that were prepared by all of the nominees, just the winners…Until now!


Ryan Gosling

“There’s never a good way to objectively judge something as arbitrary as acting, but having said that, I’d like to say that Donald Trump is a wimpy pencil neck. I snap pencils with my thumb. When I hear the snap of the pencil, I am reminded that I am more powerful than the president. This makes me feel strong. Thank you.”

 

 


Denzel Washington

“What an honor to receive this award, and at such and important time for race relations. First I want to say that Donald Trump is a poop man. He eats poop. He smells like doodie. He looks like farts. He tastes like toilet bowls. I hate him and he’s a big ol meany pants.”

 

 

 


Meryl Streep

“First I would like to say that I am so humbled to be receiving this award again, but I need to call attention to the fact that La La Land should have won! Millions voted illegally! La La Land had the best theater attendance in all of history, ever. The fake academy is dirty and against La La Land. I’d also like to apologize for everything I’ve said about President Trump. Now I empathize with that great man. Long may he reign! (Do Nazi salute now)”

Ruth Negga
“I never in my life thought I would be standing here, holding this golden man. I love the golden man. He is shiny, and represents everything that I love about tiny people, encased in gold. They represent all of us. We are all a tiny person covered in gold, yearning to break free. Free from the tumultuous chaotic disarray we find our world in. Free from self doubt and from our fears. Free to soar to new heights and achieve goals unthinkable in our wildest dreams. Also, Donald Trump is piece of shit and a bag of dicks.”