Each year at the Oscars, America looks forward to hearing the nominees who win best actor/actress. Their speeches are so well written and delivered that they are both a reflection of their acting abilities as well as their personhood. Sometimes political, sometimes personal, oftentimes a perfect cross section of the two. Unfortunately for us, we don’t get to hear the speeches that were prepared by all of the nominees, just the winners…Until now!
“There’s never a good way to objectively judge something as arbitrary as acting, but having said that, I’d like to say that Donald Trump is a wimpy pencil neck. I snap pencils with my thumb. When I hear the snap of the pencil, I am reminded that I am more powerful than the president. This makes me feel strong. Thank you.”
“What an honor to receive this award, and at such and important time for race relations. First I want to say that Donald Trump is a poop man. He eats poop. He smells like doodie. He looks like farts. He tastes like toilet bowls. I hate him and he’s a big ol meany pants.”