Local Boy Fairly Certain “Uncle” Joe Actually Just Nailing His Mom
By: Maximilian Stolte
A young boy by the name of Alan Richards has recently had an epiphany that will likely change the way he looks at everything in his life from this point on. He has a sneaking suspicion that his mother has been deceiving him, not just about Santa Clause or saying he is special and can grow up to be anything he wants either. No, Alan’s mother’s deception goes much deeper than that. The man Alan has affectionately called “Uncle Joe” is no more than a suitor knocking upon his mother’s door and ringing upon his mother’s bell.
The revelation came when young Richards caught his mother and “uncle” kissing in the kitchen. “I was going to get a glass of water and I saw them kissing. Not like a family kiss either. Like a kiss in one of the movies my mom watches while she cries,” reported the suspicious child of Jennifer Richards.
Alan has taken this shocking news pretty hard. Now, he spends his days playing with matches and burning ants with a magnifying glass. He spends his nights listening to his favorite band Green Day very loud on his headphones to avoid hearing the plowing of his mother by his fake uncle.
“Uncle J- I mean Joe sucks. I don’t like him coming around anymore. I want my mom to be happy, I really do. I just can’t take it. I looked up to him like an uncle and all this time he’s just been fucking my mom,” Alan told reporters, holding back tears.
Ms. Richards and her boyfriend Joseph Mannis could not be reached for comment as he was giving her a proper pounding in the other room during the interview.