By: Ross Childs
HOLLYWOOD, CA—It’s finally 2019. The perils and pitfalls of 2018 are now in the past and there’s nothing to do, but look to the fut–wait, do you hear that? That faint cat-like rustling in those Sycamore trees? Oh no…oh NO! It’s…it’s…nothing! But, it easily could have been Brendan Fraser.
Hello, my name is Artfeld Grumbleflorp. I used to be Brendan Fraser’s agent, but, now I spend my days tracking, trapping, and distracting the elusive actor. In the last year, Brendan Fraser has been spotted two dozen times, and those are only the ones that have been confirmed. For all that is known, there could be hundreds of Brendan Fraser sightings: maybe even thousands. Brendan Fraser is unpredictable, almost certainly has rabies, and can outrun a gazelle on a scooter. In fact, it’s rumored he once killed a gazelle with a scooter. By following these instructions, anyone can avoid an encounter with The Encino Man Himself.
- Travel in Groups of Seven
For reasons, Brendan Fraser becomes confused by the number seven. When he sees people in groups of seven, he avoids them like the plague because that number of people is too large to mail or eat, but too small for a photo op. Unless one of you is a paparazzo, seven is the magic number.
- Do NOT carry pepper jack cheese
While on the set of Airheads in 1994, Brendan Fraser became uncontrollably addicted to pepper jack cheese. Since then, he has a sixth sense for the stuff. Many grocery store attendants in the greater Los Angeles area now carry tranquilizer guns and hunting nets due to Brendan Fraser attacking their many dairy departments. Don’t get pepper jacked this year. However, if you are in possession of a slice of PJC, wait until Brendan Fraser is in sprinting distance, then toss it downwind. He will go after the cheese instead of you.
- Poke him in the eye
It works for sharks, and it works for Brendan Fraser. Make sure your aim is spot on, though. If you miss, your whole arm is now Blast from the Past’s lunch.
- Be Pauly Shore
To date, the only known human being to be able to, for lack of a better term, “soothe” Brendan Fraser’s bloody cheeselust and cheesie bloodlust was Pauly Shore. On the set of Encino Man, Brendan Fraser would fly into a blind rage whenever catering ran out of everything bagels. Pauly Shore discovered early on that Fraser could be settled with fetal spooning coupled with Mr. Shore stroking his head and saying, “You’re the sweetest pup, buuuuuuudd-y!”
- Talk about how overrated “Crash” was
When Brendan Fraser is charging and you’ve run out of options, yell, “Crash didn’t deserve the Oscar and you know it!” He will come to a screeching halt and start crying inconsolably. In fact, he will be crying so hard that you won’t even need to run away – you can get away with a mild, pleasant stroll. Even still, this must be saved as a last-ditch method of escape because Sandra Bullock will also be affected by this, and Sandy B’s an innocent in all this. You’ll feel bad.
We all loved “George Of The Jungle,” and we all want to hold onto that memory forever. But, please don’t let that stop you from subduing a rabid Brendan Fraser – it’s just as much for him as it is for you. Be safe, and always remember: Steve Buscemi was the bass player in “Airheads”.