Guy Who Slept Rent-Free On Your Couch All Winter Attending All 13 MSG Phish Shows

This summer, as Phish prepares to play a baker’s dozen at Madison Square Garden, your jobless “roommate” is gearing up for a great time in New York. He’s overcome the obstacle of his joblessness and procured tickets to all of the shows. The only question is, will he have any extras for you to repay you for your kindness?

Born Benjamin Washington, he is now known by various aliases in the jam band community. Whether he’s “Dirt Nap”, “K-Hole Ben”, or “Lil Scabies”, one thing remains certain: he slept on your couch and he owes you one. You were sympathetic to his situation when you took him in. You helped him get that job at Snarf’s and then hooked him up with a job at Cheba Hut when he got fired from Snarf’s. You even looked past the weeknight post-show orgies that he organized in your living room.

How did he even afford those tickets? How will he afford a hotel when he gets there? How will he afford to pay for his drug habit for 13 shows? These questions are impossible to answer unless you’re the jedi himself, Mr. Dirt Nap. How he does anything at all in the marijuana haze he calls life is a miracle in itself. Surely he’ll have a miracle for you to get into a few of those shows.

As of now he’s said that he would stand outside the venue with his finger in the air for you, but that doesn’t seem like the kind of thank you that free rent and most of your snack budget for the house should buy. This guy is starting to seem less like a friend and more like a leech. Maybe some of those people who come over late at night and sit in the driveway as he goes out to their car with his bookbag he never lets you look in might be hooking him up with the tickets. There was an absolutely no selling drugs allowed policy laid out when you agreed to let him stay. Even K-Hole Ben wouldn’t go back on that promise.

Only time will tell if he will do the right thing. I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you, but you generally believe in the goodness of people and that’s an endearing quality. Whatever you do, just don’t let a grown man with no job,  hygiene regimen, or respect for anything but himself and four dudes who play songs about wolfmen and shit walk all over you. Have some backbone and demand one of those tickets!