Four Songs To Aggressively Jerk Off To This Fourth Of July Now That You’re Disillusioned With America

By: Beth Ann Powers 

We get it, you were born and raised a gun-totin’, beer-drinkin’, apple pie-lovin’,  red-blooded American, and nothing gets you hornier than your country. Anytime someone so much as mentions “the troops” you pop a massive freedom-boner out of respect. Each year on July fourth you look forward to the grand tradition practiced by all true blue American men of stuffing your gut with hotdogs and Budweiser and then furiously rubbing one out to a Kenney Chesney song. This year, however, your usual selection of self-aggrandizing nationalist anthems just isn’t getting you where you need to go. Oops! You accidentally figured out that America sucks (and not in the fun way), and now you just can’t pitch a tent for good ol’ Uncle Sam like you used to. Lucky for you we’ve put together a list of four alternative options to classic “Murica” masturbation music to help you rock on while getting your newly disenchanted rocks off on Independence Day.

1. Instead of: “America The Beautiful” by Katherine Lee Bates

Try: “Surfin USA” by The Beach Boys.

One key element of any self-respecting American chauvinist shanty is the ceremonial listing of random geographical features. While we may not see eye to eye on much as a nation these days, there is one fact that all U.S. residents can agree upon: our country is home to some truly lusty landscapes. Let’s face it, if you grew up in the states there’s a 98.8% chance that on some level you want to literally fuck the grand canyon.“America The Beautiful” is undoubtedly the most famous musical purveyor of this global region’s sexy scenery, but if you want something dripping with a little less colonialist irony “Surfin USA” is your new jam. This timeless summer bop conjures images of some of the most bodacious coastal locales America has to offer without putting a droop in your pants party by forcing you to grapple with this country’s troubling history of imperialism.

2. Instead of: “You’re A Grand Ole Flag” by George M. Cohen 

Try: “Rubber Duckie, You’re The One” from Sesame Street. 

If simple, up-tempo melodies and lyrics that express unsettling levels of devotion to inanimate objects are what get your motoring running, then look no further. It’s time to leave the star-spangled house of worship behind you and head on down to where the air is sweet. Granted, it may take a few rub-a-dub-dubs to acclimate to the idea of idolizing an aquatic rubber bird rather than a rectangular piece of fabric, but in the end, we think you’ll find pledging allegiance to soap bubbles much less morally taxing. 

3. Instead of: “Born In The USA” by Bruce Springsteen

Try: “Born In The USA” By Bruce Springsteen.

Plot twist! It turns out that the song you and your buddies used to host jizzing contests off the back of your dad’s old Volkswagon pick-up to while chanting “USA! USA!” was actually a poignant criticism of the country’s poor treatment of returning veterans after the Vietnam war. Awkward! The good news is you can still choke the chicken to this complex country classic without arousing suspicion from your less woke friends. 

4. Instead of: any song 

Try: “American Idiot” by Green Day.

If you can’t scream “Fuck yeah, America!” why not just scream “Fuck America?” And trust us, no one screams “Fuck America” better than Green Day.  As the punk community has been proving for decades, anarchistic rage-boners are just as hard as nationalist rage-boners, so what are you waiting for? Trade-in Billie Ray for Billie Jo and show up to this Fourth of July wearing red, white, and black.