Father Time Refusing To Vaccinate Baby New Year
By: Tim Pusfuget
ETERNITY, VOID—Tweeting from his two-story ranch in the endless void of spacetime, Father Time announced that he would not be vaccinating Baby New Year 2021 after watching several videos on YouTube.
“Vaccines cause terrible years! I vaccinated 2020 and look how he turned out. And remember 2016? When all the celebrities died and then the election happened? I don’t want 2021 turning out like them,” said Time.
Father Time joins a growing list of anti-vax immortals despite a consensus from all major health deities that vaccines are safe and not linked to terrible years.
“I didn’t vaccinate 1893, and he turned out just fine,” said Time. When pointed out to Father Time that vaccines hadn’t been invented yet, and that it was the year of the Sea Islands Hurricane, the Panic of 1893 and the birth of Hermann Göring, he responded, “Yes, but the Chicago World’s Fair was so fun, wasn’t it?”
At press time, a fully-grown 2020 was on a ventilator due to complications from the CHRONUS-19 virus.