By: Simon Tessmer
CHICAGO, IL—Sarah Maggert, a single mother of two returning home from an overnight double shift at Walgreens, was sitting on the Brown Line at 7AM begging to be hit on. She might have been wearing headphones and staring at the ground with the distant look of someone exhausted beyond their body’s capacity, but the only thing on her mind was getting desperate flirty attention from a greasy, glazed-eyes leather jacket rando three seats over.
“I thought men today understood ‘playing hard to get,’ but I guess I was wrong,” complains Maggert. “The vivid bags under my eyes, blasting NPR, being three days unshowered … it’s all an act to get dick on public transit. Anyone with two eyes and a brain could see that.”
Sadly, Maggert will likely settle for a train ride without a man obtrusively looming over her and asking whether her mother is “also beautiful” in a one-sided conversation— a shame for the 37 year-old widow who’s mastered the flirtatious art of ‘catch and release’.
“First, I bait middle aged unshaven strangers with my stained khakis and unwelcoming body language, then I reel them in with a general unresponsiveness and lack of interest, and I release by moving to the next car over. Damn, that gets me going.”
Despite Sarah’s keen instincts in the art of seduction, her usual tactics of scowling and giving off a forceful ‘don’t fucking talk to me’ vibe aren’t earning any favors on this Wednesday morning, prompting a simmering frustration and horniness underneath her committed performance.
“I swear to God, the first man who touches my knee and calls me ‘miss’ is getting the fuck of a lifetime, right here and right now on this dirty CTA floor,” says the nearly asleep widow. “I’ll manically obliterate his weird penis with my PCP-level sexual ferocity, timing my multiple climaxes with each stop until Fullerton.”
“If any straight men are reading this, please know whenever I’m in a public setting and look like I’ve taken half an Ambien, I’m internally screaming for you to tell me I’m beautiful when I smile,” Maggert added. “If you don’t, you’ve missed your chance and you’ll never get laid again. Your loss.”