Disco Biscuits Tour To Continue As Scheduled Barring Communal Molly Dips

PHILADELPHIA, PA—As every band is caving to the social pressures of limiting infections by keeping distant, The Disco Biscuits aren’t letting microbiology interfere with their tour plans. Between postponing the tour for bassist Mark “Brownie” Brownstein’s eye surgery and a soon-to-follow global pandemic, it seemed that some divine force was trying its best to make Bisco fans stay at home, faces unmelted as ice cubes in a freshly packed bong. After blasting off on some quality DMT in quarantine, the band and management have decided the alien overlord of the cosmos had other plans. 

Immediately after hearing of the virus, fans and management worked hard to spread the message that a “no communal molly dipping” rule coupled with a limited ticket sale could keep everyone safer. This rule, while targeted at the MDMA community, is not limited to sticking one’s spit-covered finger in a tiny bag of drug shards. Other prohibited actions include passing joints, sharing keys and spoons for bumps, sharing water bottles and beers. 

Keyboardist Aron Magner told reporters, “The music will still crush even with less people. I mean you can still do drugs, but everyone just has to get their own now. The communal aspect will be lacking, but the music is about so much more than the drugs.” The band, whose name is a synonym for ecstasy rolls, does in fact sing some songs that have nothing to do with drugs or doing drugs.

When asked how this would affect the submersive experience that is a Disco Biscuits show, 23-year-old Penn State student Skyler Goads said, “Whaaaat? Can I get a gram or nah?!” Once we told her we weren’t trying to sell her drugs or buy hers, she said, “I don’t know, I’ll still go to the lot and hang out. Wait, did you say the show was happening or not?”

Sydney Barker, 21, seems to think they’ve gone too far and would prefer the tour get postponed until things are back to normal. “My boyfriend said I would have to buy my own shit for the show cuz we couldn’t share now, and I’m like you’re gonna choose now to follow the rules? Fuck off. Sorry we’re not all 40 and can afford to buy drugs whenever we want to.” 

While this will certainly be a difficult time for almost every techno wook who travels across the country, strung out, with an ounce of ketamine in his Hanes, a majority of fans are grateful for the enhanced safety provisions provided by the band and management.