6 Overlooked Insects With Bigger Dick Energy Than The Murder Hornet
By: Simon Tessmer
It’s official. America is sopping wet for the murder hornet. And who could blame us? The Vespa mandarinia has an undeniable swagger that all but confirms a massive tool beneath it’s fuzzy thorax. But by hopping on the Asian giant hornet bandwagon, America’s lost sight of the many fuckable bugs living right under its nose. To correct this, here’s six overlooked insects with decidedly more big dick energy than the murder hornet.
1. The Brown Marmorated Stink Bug
The confidence it takes to strut your stuff while reeking of cilantro all but guarantees a massive hog, which science confirms: the source of the brown marmorated stink bug’s smell is in fact it’s huge unwashed penis. So buckle up and boogie down with this flat fella, because he’ll give you the ride of your life.
2. The Roly-Poly
Roly-polys’ habit of curling into a ball when disturbed may signal cuck vibes at first glance, but worry not. The Armadillidium vulgare in fact rolls to fearlessly self-fellate its sizable cock. This rakish beast has no need for Marilyn Manson-style rib surgery (not least because it lacks internal bones). Rather, the roly-poly relies on sheer sexual energy to successfully self-suck all day and all night.
3. Stick Bugs
… Need I say more? Not even Pete Davidson can claim to be a walking shaft with arms and legs. When giving a back rub doubles as a handy, you know you’re in real alpha territory.
4. The Cockroach
It’s 👏in 👏the 👏name. Cockroaches are notorious for burrowing into the tightest places and have the endurance to match. You’ll keep getting railed by these sexy bastards long after the nuclear apocalypse.
5. The Fire Ant
Don’t let body size deceive you. While the individual fire ant may leave much to be desired, the collective dick-power of these feisty lovers en masse is more than enough to satisfy your ferocious appetite. You’ll gladly leave this gang-bang with a rash.
6. The Lady Bug
Much of this list has been about literal schlong size, but there’s more nuance to proper BDE. Take the humble ladybug. Its penis size is, honestly, laughably small. Like a dot of hot sauce on a bowl of rice or a nipple with a nostril. But the coccinellid has something more valuable than dong for days: self respect. It knows its worth and it knows what it wants. And while that may not stir up your guts and bump your kidneys, it’ll stir up and bump something else. Your heart. So take the ladybug out on a nice pasta dinner, and it’ll show you a night that puts all murder hornet to shame.