By: Simon Tessmer
CHICAGO, IL—On Monday morning, the death obsessed toddler in seat 7G treated Flight 275 to Chicago’s turbulence like a roller coaster, lifting his arms and screaming with each sudden drop like a twisted little fuck. Paying no heed to the lovers of life seated around him, the tiny nihilist willfully spread his disregard for animated consciousness with each yelp of joy, infecting everyone in the cabin with his virus-like ideology.
Aboard the flight was businesswoman Becca Tulsa, who recalled her initial perceptions of the boy. “His crusty mouth, tousled brown hair, and Wild Kratts t-shirt seemed completely ordinary,” said the shaken Exxon employee. “It wasn’t until he bubbled spittle and clapped his sticky hands after the first plane lurch that his Satanic passion for the afterlife became clear.”
We received similar reports from passengers spotted all over the same seating section, calling the boy’s behavior repulsive, inhuman, and criminally enticing.
“Sure the kid’s macabre hedonism was irritating at first, but I got really scared when I started joining in with his screams of excitement,” recalled Chipotle manager Jeff Strickland. “With each shake of our cabin, the boy was drawing me further down the rabbit hole of longing for death’s sweet release.”
None were more disturbed than the boy’s mother, Rebecca Gertrude, who maintains the boy’s innocence.
“This is a misunderstanding. No six year-old loves death, and let alone would try to convert people to his cause,” said the at-home copywriter. “My son Charles was clearly possessed by the Devil mid-flight, and his body was a vessel for the Dark Lord’s work.”
“Thank God I smuggled holy water past TSA,” she added.
The stationed air marshal swiftly responded to the high-elevation exorcism with a batch of crosses and King James Bibles, encouraging everyone seated nearby to participate.
“Once we started chanting and dousing him with holy water, the kid started crying real fast. And Satan never cries,” said Tulsa. “We could hear him wailing all down the aisle when he was hauled off by the marshal, and our minds were finally free of His grave temptation.”
How’s Charles now? By phone Rebecca reported he’s “been quieter ever since the plane incident, but he’s been branching out with new fashion– lots of dark shirts and black nail polish– and he’s into this band Belphagor? [laughs] Classic six year-old angst.”