Man Outraged: “Ballots Are Recounted, But McDonalds Fries Are Not?!”
By: Charley Arksey
PHOENIX– An outraged man barricaded himself in a local McDonald’s kitchen early Thursday morning, demanding a recount of his fries. The man, George Clever, claimed McDonald’s was the birthplace of freedom, and its slipping customer service is the fall of American ideals.
“34… 35… 36. 36 fries. Last week there were 37 fries. This is deep-state, deep fryer fraud!” said Clever, a 34 year old self proclaimed “fast food freedom fighter”.
“I miss the old America, where your fries counted! And you could bring your Big Gulp to the soda fountain! And if you ordered an extra happy meal you got a handjob!” said Clever, wielding a double-barreled shotgun and a double-barreled mullet.
“There’s not really a fry counting process.” said McDonald’s fry cook Dave “The Gnar Wall” Taylor, “We usually just get high and shovel them in there.”
Clever claims McDonald’s is becoming “McISIS”, citing the banning of trans fats, the cancelling of the McRib, and Obama.
When McDonald’s was asked for comment, they had this to say, “We understand that there have been a lot of changes in America recently, from a female vice president to a baby Yoda. We here at McDonald’s are doing everything we can to keep our fry count accurate and chock-full of delicious chemicals.”
Hostage negotiations broke down when George Clever threatened to “put the buns between my cheeks” unless he received a fully-fueled Cessna 120 piloted by the Hamburgler.
SWAT was forced to open fire when George Clever fashioned a spatula trebuchet and began launching pickle slices out the drive thru window. Clever was struck by bullets and seriously injured. While transported to the hospital, Clever reportedly sang to the tune of Les Misérables, “Do you hear the fryers boil; boiling potatoes in the oil. It is the music of a people who will not let fries be soiled.”
At time of press, McDonald’s has created a George Clever happy meal toy with QAnon karate chopping action.