The Hottest Cartoons In Order Of Likelihood They Want To Fuck You Too

By: Sophia Birks

1. Jafar – Aladdin

I don’t know if it’s that he’s hot in that gross old guy kind of way or if it’s just the sensuality of Tim Curry’s voice but Jafar was the OG cum daddy. Not only will Jafar fuck you for as little as a “Sup” text but he’ll do some kinky shit to you too. You’ll fuck him once, feel bad about yourself, then you’ll fuck him again and realize that he’s the problem, you’re beautiful. Jafar is just one step on your path to forgiving your mother. He’s damaged and broken, barely held together by some overused handcuffs but his staff is a clear indication that his penis is huge. He’s gonna do some weird shit cause he needs to to feel anything at all and isn’t that exciting? He’ll probably use a feather from Iago to do some tickle play while you’re chained up inside a hourglass with some playful sand choking. Also Iago watches or no deal. 

2. Plankton’s Robot Wife – Spongebob Squarepants

I picture this scenario playing out exactly like Ex Machina. Plankton looks at this beautiful woman like she’s his property but she has more depth than you’ll ever see on a show that takes place at the bottom of the ocean. Yes she’s a robot but she still deserves to be free (Hi Westworld! Still haven’t watched season 3 cause season 2 was kind of bad). She literally knows everything and the feeling of her cold machinery between your thighs as you tech-hump the night away will have you begging  her to CLT-ALT-Delete your virginity. In no time at all she’ll be using sex with you as means of escape and revenge on her captor. But never trust a hoe, she will kill you to get out of that loveless marriage and forced servitude faster than you can say “Crabby Patty Secret Formula”. 

3. Eddy – Ed, Ed and Eddy

So dumb, so confident, so hot. Eddy is pretty much every Hemsworth brother in a movie. He’s the guy who would try to write you a poem but nothing would rhyme but it still makes you hard cause awww he’s trying. Eddy is the guy that’s alway up when you need him to be for a quick freak and some nachos. He’s definitely a towny but that just means he’s always there for you when you need to feel better about yourself or you’re just home for Christmas and can’t look at your family anymore. At the end of the day he really is a nice guy, he’s just too thicke to realize you’re using him and isn’t that nice?  You won’t have to work too hard to get his jawbreaker if you know what I mean.

4. Megara

EVERYONE wanted to fuck Megara and if you didn’t then you’re LYING. Although she seems like she would be just another tease, too much of a “cool girl” to actually go all the way, she’s really damaged and not looking for love. She needs to feel something after being used by that douche canoe no name. She doesn’t want to get to know you, she doesn’t care. She’s an icon. Her body is so perfect it made me hate mine. Her hair makes no sense but I bet it smells amazing. In the end all you’d be to each other is another cheap thrill and quick affair. A good loveless fuck never hurt anyone, just don’t hurt her okay? She’s been through a lot and she doesn’t deserve it. 

5. Literally Everyone From Avatar: The Last Airbender Except Ang but Especially Uncle

Everyone in this show is horny and you’re horny for them. But honestly Ang is a child? He’s not sexy at all and watching the love story between him and Katara was the worst. It made me more uncomfortable than Shyamalan casting choices. Like how old was Ang? 10? 7? Gross. Katara should have ended up with Prince Zuko. Now that’s a face I’d sit on. I wish I was his honor so he would yearn for me too. Azula and the Pussycats were a wet dream and whoever let them on a children’s channel deserves an award. The hottest of them all of course was Uncle. Remember that scene where he does pull ups? You probably don’t even need to look that up, we all remember it because we all got boners. 

6. Dexter’s Mom – Dexter’s Laboratory

Before you ask, yes, she keeps the gloves on. Those hips, that red hair, the fact her husband has never brought her to orgasm, talk about a dangerous woman. This mom is a mom I’d like to have a three way with a robot we found in her son’s laboratory with. A MILTHATWWARWFIHSLW if you will.  Her and her husband will have separate bedrooms within the next three years, they’re only staying together until DeeDee goes to college. A sexy romp involving something other than missionary is just the thing stopping her from packing her bags and “visiting her sister for a while”. She deserves to have someone make her cum, Dexter seems exhausting. That accent is a CHOICE. The worst. She needs a break and that break can be you. You should join her book club, I don’t know I’m kind of rooting for you guys now. 

7. Zim – Invader Zim

Literally, what even is he? I honestly don’t care. I just want him to crawl up inside me and make it his evil lair. His weird little sidekick can come too. Zim is a kink. He’s into alien shit we’ve never even heard of. He’s not afraid to go after what he wants and that’s world and pussy domination. He’s weird. He’s a weirdo. You honestly won’t have to work hard to get him in the sack, he has a very clear superiority complex. Also that tongue??? Can you imagine what this little freak can do with that thing? Invade my pleasure centers, all systems go. Bring me to your leader and then bring me to my knees you weird little maniac. 

8. Dimitri – Anastasia

Wow a social climber that’s willing to sleep his way to the top, but don’t go thinking he’s an easy lay! He’ll give it to you good but he’ll make you work for it first. You have to impress his friends and your grandma before you can put what I’m sure is a perfectly drawn penis in your mouth. Dimitri is what those TIkTok eboys are trying to be. I’m almost positive watching Dimitri push his hair back was my first sexual awakening. He’s the guy that will insist you were making love not just fucking but then goes to Paris without you. He wants to fuck you but he just doesn’t want anyone to know he’s fucking you. It would ruin his image to appear too attached. That sweet threat of abandonment just gets my loins quivering in such a delicious way. There’s a rumour in St. Petersberg and its that Dimitri is a whore for status. 

9. Misty – Pokemon

The only thing perkier than Misty’s look on life is them titties. Misty is a manic pixie dream girl but in a hotter less annoying way than how Zoey Deschanel does it. I mean look at those suspenders and the converse???? She’s quirky, which means she definitely likes a little finger play in the asshole during sex but she’ll never tell you, you just have to guess. Misty will be great in bed but only after a minimum of two months of flirty negging and friendship dates where you roller skate and she makes fun of you cause she skates to her job at a start up and you haven’t skated since Ryan Baker’s 10th birthday party. When you finally do bang she’ll think about Brock the whole time but then later tell Ash she was thinking of him because she’s too afraid of the explosive energy between her and Brock. If you put your time in, play your balls right, she just might let you scramble that egg.

10. Rabbit – Winnie the Pooh

Rabbit is very particular so he’ll fuck you but it will be weird and not in a Jafar kind of way. He’ll be behind you the whole time, you’re not allowed to turn around and he doesn’t care if you finish. This is about him, for once. If he’s feeling brave he’ll ask you to keep your shirt on during sex. Just the shirt. That will be the last thing he says to you that night. After, when you’re putting your clothes back on you’ll ask him a question and his only response will be to roll over, his back now to you. You don’t care, you’re already calling your Uber and ordering tacos you’ll pick up near your apartment. When he sees you in public he’ll pretend like he’s never seen you naked but he’ll text you later that night asking for a picture of only your genitals, no face.