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death

Business/Entertainment/Social

Tamagotchi Introduces New Digital Pets That Comprehend Death

By: Daniel Wightkin EL SEGUNDO, CA—Calling it a revolution for the digital pet simulation genre, Bandai America announced Tuesday that their new Tamagotchi game features pets that comprehend the concept of death. “From the day they hatch, these adorable Tamagotchi are completely cognizant of their mortality and the fact that life is fleeting. This opens up many exciting new gameplay elements, with players helping their pet grapple with their temporary digital existence,” said Bandai in a press release. Developers boast that this version keeps the traditional happiness and hunger status bars while adding an anxiety bar that, if not kept… … Keep Reading

Local

Dumb Asshole From High School Now In Charge Of Choosing Who Lives And Who Dies

By: Danny Neary FORT WAYNE, IN—Area man, Eric Romaker, known by for being one of the dumbest jerks from high school, is currently entrusted with deciding who lives and who dies. A former whip-its enthusiast and a smooth brained imbecile, Romaker has turned his life around by going through minor screening and being given far too much responsibility. Former classmates of Romaker remember him for his incessant quoting of the 2009 film The Hangover, his belief that the NBA is racist towards white guys, and for the time he ran over himself with his own car. “That idiot used to… … Keep Reading

Local/Science

Lightning Bug Crushed While Flashing ‘I Come In Peace!’

By: Mike Maxwell Door County, WI—For the last time this Summer, the annual Reynolds family reunion settled on the Midwest’s Malibu, Door County Wisconsin. Generations have taken to the resort village in the twilights of summer to water ski, grill, and stay up late into the night while trying to simplify life. For the last time this Summer, the young generation of Reynolds hit the lake dock with a new found confidence and awareness to their parents sabbatical from enforcing manners. As the moonlight glazed the lake, the shrieks of seven kids under the age of six shot the nearby… … Keep Reading

Celebrity/Entertainment/Obituaries

Obituary: FACE, The Original Host Of Nick Jr., Dead At 51

Dutifully written by: Patrick Webb The on-air mascot was found dead in his studio apartment in Van Nuys of an apparent, accidental overdose. Born and raised in Orlando, FL, FACE struggled as a working actor through the late 80’s and early 90’s doing the occasional regional theatre until booking his dream roll as the “face” of Nick Jr. in 1994. He starred in over 400 on-air promotions for the network until 2004 when he left the company to try to break into film. After losing the role of the titular lead in the 2008 film Hancock to Will Smith, FACE… … Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Holiday/Local

A Tribute To All Those Killed By Pies On Pi Day, 2018

By: Ross Childs UNITED STATES — March 14. 3/14. Pi Day. It’s a day celebrated by Americans everywhere by consuming copious amounts of delicious pie of all kinds.  However, for many people, this jovial day is also they’re last on this Earth.  It is important, however, that those who have succumbed to the gluttony of the day are remembered with smiles and celebration. In remembrance: Jonathan Kramble, 41, Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  Kramble was eating an apple cinnamon pie when he failed to chew a large bite properly. He choked for several hours but refused to stop eating the pie. By the… … Keep Reading

Holiday/Social

Valentine’s Day: Annual Floral Genocide Ravages Nation

By: Ross Childs CHICAGO, IL — For many, Valentine’s Day is a loving, joyous occasion. However, there are those for whom Valentine’s Day is one of horror, chaos, and terrible loss. The lives of flowers are cut short by the dozens, and their corpses are put on display as grotesque reminders of this annual botanical massacre. Roses, daffodils, carnations, irises, tulips – none are spared on this day. The average flower shop in America will have stems and petals strewn about the ground, but it might as well be piles of bones and blood as doting, love-struck morons purchase bundles… … Keep Reading

Entertainment/Politics

GTA 5: A Utopian Society Where Nobody Questions Second Amendment Until You Point Your Gun At Them And Start Mass Shooting People

By: Maximilian Stolte Leave it to the creative minds at Rockstar Games to perfectly encapsulate what a truly free society looks like. Not bogged down by liberal agenda and restrictions of liberty (hence where the fictional Liberty City derives its name), this game grants players a glimpse into what a utopian society looks like: a society where you can walk around wielding military-grade weaponry and nobody bats an eye until you start shooting people en masse. The sensation players feel when utilizing the second amendment right is exhilarating and no doubt what keeps millions playing again and again. Although only… … Keep Reading

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