Study: Tinder Market Saturated with Kyles
Study: Tinder Market Saturated with Kyles
By: Katie Pecho
LOS ANGELES, CA—A landmark study by The University of Southern California’s Brosearch Center has discovered that the national Tinder market is glutted with Kyles.
“It’s completely overrun,” said lead guy-entist Chet Caesar. “We’ve never seen anything like it, and it’s honestly a bit perplexing. Our principle observation is that a record boom in Kyles being born is noted shortly after the emergence of South Park brotagonist and cool guy icon Kyle Brofovski. But spikes in Kyle births are recorded as far back as 1978, when the classic Chef Boyardee advertising campaign “My Beefaroni has a first name, it’s K-Y-L-E” first aired. So, the conclusions we can reasonably draw are tenuous at present, but we can safely deduce that it is definitely a Red Bull Market. Of that we are certain.”
When asked if there was notable variation among the Kyle population, Caesar responded, “Oh yes, Kyles are quite diverse, yet there is a common, intangible characteristic that they all share. We have yet to locate what we are calling The Wrangler Gene, which we believe is what gives Kyles their natural frosted tips and proclivity toward drag racing. But we are confident that we will be able to discover the specific quality that makes a Kyle unmistakably a Kyle.”
“We certainly have our theories, though,” Caesar said. “There is great diversity among the Kyle population, and it varies by geography, so determining their commonality has been challenging. For example, here in Southern California, you will find Kyles who habitually drink Mai Tais from Camelbaks and own more vape pens than shoes. But travel over to NYC and you’ll meet a Kyle who lists his job title as “Sales Dynamo” and will brag to anyone who will listen about the time Elon Musk spilled kombucha on him at an airport Red Lobster. And down in Birmingham, it would not be uncommon to encounter a Kyle with a misspelled Boondock Saints tattoo who had to be bailed out of Kenny Chesney concert jail on multiple occasions. It’s fascinating.”
“Just look at these profiles,” Caesar said, shuffling through a stack of folders. “This Kyle boasts in his bio that he’s not allowed to return to the Scottsdale Medieval Times because they’re, and this is a direct quote, ‘in the Dark Ages about crankin’ whippets’. This Kyle is pictured riding not one but three public statues and wearing half a dozen different whimsical neckties. And this Kyle,” he said, shuddering, “this Kyle does improv. It’s no wonder they’re all single.”
“It will take extensive research to locate The Wrangler Gene,” Caesar continued. “Thousands of distressed hours poring over profiles, tensions among researchers flaring.”
“But if I had to guess what fundamental characteristic is the essence of Kyle, it’s this. Out of over twelve million Kyles on Tinder, they all had two critical things in common: 1) they like spontaneous adventures and 2) they have a shirtless selfie in a dirty bathroom mirror. So whatever it is they share,” Caesar said, pressing his hand to his temple, “I’m afraid it’s gruesome.”
