Down & Out Morpheus Busted Selling Surplus Blue Pills Outside Nursing Home
By: Max Stolte
THE MATRIX—In the grimy gutters and back alleys of this simulation we call reality, a seedy enterprise runs rampant and ensnares unsuspecting elderly men in its sinister trap. I’m talking of course about the black market of little blue pills. Boner causing menaces, including companies like Pfizer, have been keeping geezers rock hard for years. Now between a rock and a hard place, these randy retirees find themselves at the mercy of one Morpheus Jones.
Morpheus, a self taught master of every marital art, has fallen on hard times. He says he’s just no match for profound truth exposers like QAnon and Tucker Carlson when it comes to freeing the shackled minds of the masses. “Nobody wants to wake up on a ship being chased by killer robots, they just want easy explanations for complicated issues and justification for being selfish assholes,” a disheartened Morpheus reports from his prison cell. “Just to make ends meet I’m out here selling these placebo pills to dudes with old, run down dicks and one of them snitches? It’s total bullshit.”
A common problem in the world of drug prohibition is that there’s no telling what you’re getting. Customers looking for Viagra or Cialis might find themselves instead a drug that allows them to live in blissful ignorance that their lives are a simulation. That’s the risk these seniors find themselves taking amidst this shortage.
Korean War vet and octogenarian pussy hound Victor Higgins says, “With everyone home fucking all the time now, those of us who need these pills can’t get them. Here I am trying to Loretta down the hall the old 1-2 buckle my belt around my neck while she massages my penis with her feet, and it’s like trying to put a tiny, wet, rolled up newspaper between some old broads foot arches.” Higgins, notoriously bad at analogies, concluded, “But thanks to Morpheus, my dong is harder than it is to look my lesbian granddaughter in the eyes. If you need me I’ll be here just long enough to vote a couple more times before I die.”
Of course, Higgins later realized that the pills weren’t real at all. That the power to become erect and ejaculate was in him the entire time. He just had to believe. And if that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then this reporter doesn’t know what will.