By: Ross Childs
NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS, USA — Congratulations, you finally did it! You cut up your driver’s license, burned your social security card, and grew a cabin-in-the-deep-woods beard – you’re finally ready for life OFF THE GRID! No longer will the government have its filthy, conniving, tax-soaked tentacles all wrapped up in every aspect of your life like the Hentai Porn you enjoy so very secretly. But in this day and age, information is power, and you want to stay informed – hell, you NEED to stay informed. How else do you stay ahead of the black hats just *WAITING* to kick your door down, or keep up-to-date with the latest trends in blocking satellite signals, or hear about Kylie Jenner’s latest do? Well, put down the sawed-off 12-gauge and listen up. Here are ten of the best ways to stay informed while staying off the radar!
- Swipe newspapers – This one is the easiest and most obvious. Every now and again, sneak into the closest town around noon. Look for folks on vacation – you can tell if their grass is a little overgrown. On a good day, you can find a local gazette, as well as a New York Times, Chicago Tribune, or Guns and Ammo if you’re lucky. The trouble with this is the chance of getting caught is high, and if you do get caught, you are back on the grid. Plus print media is very hit or miss these days.
- Use a telescope to watch the news on a neighbor’s TV – What better way to stay informed than your local news? And with a powerful enough spyglass, you can watch someone else’s news from the comfort of your favorite chair that was once five badgers. This one has a low risk of arrest, however in order for it to work, you’d need to have a neighbor, which is counter-intuitive to being off the grid.
- Tap into a network satellite – Stick it to those corporate fat cats by getting that info illegally sent directly to your home! Doesn’t cost you a dime – just get a good satellite link going and enjoy! It is important to keep in mind that a technological expertise is a prerequisite for this to work. If you don’t know how to program a VCR or if you still have a VCR, this one isn’t for you. Move along.
- Create a network of carrier pigeons – You’ll be way ahead of the curve with this one! Carrier pigeons were, in days of yore, THE way for people to communicate on a battlefield. However, it requires other people to have knowledge in the usage of carrier pigeons. Also, you’d need to train pigeons. Ever tried to train a pigeon, or get a pigeon to do anything except be a pigeon?
- Kidnap a journalist – What better way to stay off-the-grid informed than to get your information directly from the source? Simply zip-tie a local reporter, throw him in the back of your fourth-hand Ford Ranger, and erratically drive back to your compound. Toss him in a windowless room, and ask your questions. “Is the Guv’ment comin’ after mah guns?” “Have they developed a new armored fighting vehicle that can handle trees?” “How’s Demi Lovato doing?” Believe me, this journalist will have *all* the answers you need.
- Develop omniscience – Let’s face it. The best way to stay informed is to simply know everything that can be known. Read some Eastern philosophy, smoke some DMT, and *BOOM* you’re on your way! Link up with the Akashic Records and be one with every and always. BONUS – becoming an omnipotent being offers the added benefit of knowing the ultimate truth to life and the unified consciousness. Plus, you’ll know the best spots to steal gas for your generator.
- Start your own ‘zine with sap and leaves – If you want something done right, sometimes you gotta do it yourself. Get your finger on the pulse of the society around your cabin and put it out in the world. Does this stump look like your ex-wife? The answer may surprise you. Plus learning to run a business while staying off the grid is a fun new challenge for you. And you get to decide what’s going on in the news with T-Swift.
- Start a bookclub – Get together with a handful of your fellow nut jobs and discuss books. And by books, we of course mean hot goss! Show up with the latest worn & tattered Tom Clancy – leave with an updated view of the outside world without having to be part of the outside world. No one actually reads in a book club, anyway!
- Rejoin society under– If you really, really cannot go another minute without knowing what’s going on in the world, then the simplest solution is to get back in the world. Woah! Hold on! Don’t reach for that metal pipe turned into a zip gun just yet! Reenter the world…in disguise. Put on a baseball cap, aviator sunglasses, and your favorite nondescript hoodie and blend in unseen with the tax-paying SHEEP! Just walk around public areas with a recording device, and when you get home, you’ll be able to piece together the buzz around Ke$ha’s newest album.
- Burn it all down – While we’ve been chin-wagging here like a couple of LAZY CORPORATE SHILLS, the true solution to your information problem has been obvious – No information, no problem! Destroy society! Burn it all down to the ground. Take out the banks, the post office, the lines of communication – everything vital. Never be where they think you are! And while they try to recoup the pieces of their shattered empires, start hoarding toilet paper! It’s worth it’s weight in gold, which you should also be hoarding. BURN IT DOWN & START IT ALL OVER!
There it is! The best ways to stay informed while staying off the grid. Remember to burn this article as kindling to make sure you destroy the government-built tracking nanites in the lettering.
Trim your beard, buddy!