Sneaky Texting: 10 Phrases Your Dad May Be Using To Text About Weed
By: Steve Plock
CHICAGO, IL — As recreational marijuana laws continue to be passed by states around the country, the nation’s dads are becoming increasingly more curious about getting their hands on some of this once stigmatized drug. In many states, recreational marijuana is still illegal so some dads are forced to use slang terms for marijuana when texting their friends. Keep your dad safe by keeping tabs on what he’s saying in his texts and instant messages. Here are the top 10 slang terms that today’s dads are using for marijuana:
10. Lawn Clippings – No matter who is stuck mowing the lawn on Sundays, dads love to analyze and compare their lawn clippings. That makes this slang term the perfect cover for texting about scoring some pot. If your dad starts talking about trading or swapping lawn clippings, be wary, it could be regular old fashioned dad leisure, or it could be drug related!
Example: “Hey Russ, It’s Dave. Got any of those fresh lawn clippings we talked about at the John Deere store last week?
9. Trim– Talking about trim is almost the perfect code word for talking about drugs because trim can mean so many things to a dad. It can mean the leading edge on an aircraft’s wings, the lining on some leatherwork, it can be a gardening verb, or it can refer to a woman’s nether regions. Most dads probably think of trim as the adjustment that allows you to change a boat engine’s angle of thrust by tilting it “out” or “in” in relation to the transom in order to maintain the proper running angle, but in some circles, trim literally refers to the trimmed buds of a marijuana plant. But because the average dad may not know this, it’s the perfect false flag slang.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. Been thinking about finding some new trim to help me achieve lift-off and keep me flying high.
8. Jean Short Sparklers – If your dad is using this code word, it’s almost a 100% chance that he is texting about marijuana. Jean short sparklers aren’t really part of normal dad vernacular. This probably means that your dad isn’t looking to buy lots of marijuana, but maybe just a joint or two for an upcoming special occasion. Chances are, your dad will try to excuse this one away as some sort of autocorrect feature on his phone. Don’t be fooled.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. I got us some jean short sparklers for the chili cook off next weekend. The chili is going to taste so good!
7. The San Francisco Treat – Whether your dad was a flower child of the 60s, or a straight laced goodie goodie, all dads know about San Francisco and the legacy of Haight-Ashbury as the epicenter of the drug culture of the 60s. Your dad probably thinks he pulling a fast one on you with this slang term, but you know better. Uncle Ben isn’t coming to dinner and Mom doesn’t eat rice anymore since she started her diet, so you know that daddy’s smoking the devil’s lettuce.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. Spent all night cleaning the garage after I had some of that San Francisco Treat for dessert. Good stuff. Thanks again.
6. 4-2-0-K – You’ve probably overheard your dad talking about his boring 401(K) tons of times on the phone with your family’s financial adviser. That’s normal. But with some simple wordplay, dad can hide his drug habit to the untrained eye. A 401(K) plan is the tax-qualified, defined-contribution pension account defined in subsection 401(k) of the Internal Revenue Code. A 420(K) is dad’s way of taking his money and laughing all the way to the drug bank.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. Lots of new exciting 420(k) options over at Peter’s firm this week. Going to be seeing a lot of really good, dank returns this quarter.
5. Tommy Bahama– Sure, Tommy Bahama is a legitimate clothing brand made for and worn by many dads all over the world. The clothes look really good and they fit great. But how often are dads texting about the clothes they love? Not often. Unless your dad is really into fashion, chances are his late night messages about the new T.B. spring line are just a ploy to score more dope.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. That new Tommy Bahama collection is “straight fire”, as my son would say. Feeling great in my new button down.
4. Rush: Live In Rio DVD – Unless your dad is a real Rush fanatic, Rush: Live in Rio DVD is definitely a slang term for grass. Chances are most dads have the 3-disc CD set in their car and that’s no big deal, but most dads don’t spring for the accompanying DVD. If your dad is asking to borrow Rush DVDs, it’s not Tom Sawyer getting high on you, it’s your dad getting high on cannabis.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. We should find some time to wind down with the Rush: Live in Rio DVD. I heard it will really fuck you up.
3. Clinton Cigs – President Bill Clinton makes all dads feel like they can do anything and get away with it. That’s probably why Clinton Cigs is such a popular slang term amongst today’s dads. Most assuming kids would think their dad was referring to some sort of salacious cigar, but not, it’s worse. Dad is referring to reefer. This isn’t an impeachable offense, but you better find out if your dad is inhaling or not.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. We should get some Clinton Cigs for the back nine tomorrow. Tee time is at 8am. See you then.
2. That old balpene hammer I lent you – This slang term is great for dad’s because it’s so specific and so colloquial. Chances are if confronted your dad will bring up some story about your granddad’s tool set that he inherited, and that one day you will inherit it, and before long, you’ll be committing to plans this weekend helping him power wash the driveway. Be vigilant. If your dad is frequently lending out an old balpene hammer, he’s cheefing the good good.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. I found that old balpene hammer I lent you. Turns out I had it all along. Sorry about that. Let’s get high this weekend.
1. A guy named Russ – If your dad is anything like mine, every time he texts a guy named Russ about something, he is actually texting about buying or smoking mary jane. It is commonly known among dads that guys with the name Russ are certified drug dealers. Every dad has a Russ in their phone, and no matter how innocuous the content, if dad is texting him, dad wants that crunchy doobage.
Example: Hey Russ, It’s Dave. Sorry to hear about Audrey leaving you. That’s a tough break buddy. Anyway, can I pick up some of that crunchy doobage this weekend?