Putin Grounded By Rest Of World For Entire Olympics

By: Maximilian Stolte

Moscow, Russia—Russian Olympic athletes were banned from competing in this year’s Winter Olympics and to add insult to injury, Vladimir Putin was sent to his room for the entirety of the games. With little more than some colored pencils and coloring books to keep him occupied, the Russian leader is becoming a little stir crazy.

Reports from his bedroom thus far have been bleak at best. He’s finished all of his puzzles, built several Star Wars LEGO sets, and doodled several pictures of him and Donald Trump holding hands under suns with smiley faces. With indoor activities dwindling, there is no telling how long he can last with his sanity intact.

Early this morning Olympic regulatory officials discovered a sheet with knots tied in it draped from his windowsill. With his first plot to escape the makeshift prison cell that is his bedroom, the rest of the world fears that he will not last confined in his chambers for the rest of the games.

Once his escape was thwarted, reports indicated that Putin staged a dramatic re-enactment of the opening ceremonies and events with G.I. Joe action figures and Barbie dolls. In all of these instances, the Russian team took home the gold medal and he hummed he national anthem with a big goofy smile on his face. While the display of patriotism was heartwarming to some, many Russian citizens found it pathetic.

Setting his sights for the Summer Olympics in 2020, Putin has decided to be a good boy and do all of his chores and say please and thank you to all foreign dignitaries for the next two years in hopes that he will be allowed back. Whether he is actually sorry or just wants to leave his room and have the world witness the power and might of Russia is uncertain. One thing that everyone can agree on is that some time to sit and think about what he’s done will be good for the “democratically elected” leader.