Podcasters Solve More Murders Than Police, Receive State Issued Badges And Guns

CHICAGO, IL—Recent reports from the Department of Justice show that podcasters and documentarians solve more murders than police. While police still do their best to investigate crimes that happen to white people, they do almost nothing to deter crime and often even littler when it comes to actually solving crime. Thankfully the headphone-clad heroes of the podcasting world are finally getting the recognition they deserve and the resources they need to apprehend violent criminals.

“Badges and guns were a no brainer,” police chief David Brown told reporters. “These men and women and their radio shows or movies or whatever have convicted a lot of criminals and set free some of the ones we went ahead and threw in there without all the evidence. They’re doing such a great job that we’re not even going to make them take the 40 hours of gun training we normally require.”

Armed with microphones, cameras, and now .380 caliber semi-automatic pistols, podcasters are able to get the work done in half the time. Allie Bradley, host of the podcast Guilty Until Proven Dead, couldn’t be happier about the recent changes. “Now that I have a badge and a gun, I don’t have to wait to interview people when it works for their schedule, I just bust down their door and drag them at gunpoint to a small room and threaten them until they tell me what me and my audience want to hear.”

According to a poll, most podcasters spend their time researching and investigating cold cases only to find that the killer is dead or just really good at being a killer who doesn’t get caught. Now that they’re armed with a symbolic metal shield and a real metal weapon, this reporter thinks we’re going to see a lot more of these cases come to a quick close.