A Review of Productivity Apps I Stopped Using in Favor of Returning to a Life of Sloth
By: Katie Pecho
This was going to be a big year for me. I was going to get fit, start flossing, commit to a diet less reliant on corn syrup— I had mondo plans. I wielded my phone like an achievement Excalibur and busted out the app store to finally get serious. Here is my review of the 6 productivity apps I downloaded and then promptly abandoned because they did not make immediate, fundamental changes to my core personality. I should not be expected to do the work myself.
- Name: Streaks
What It Does: Habit Tracker. I thought a little accountability might propel me toward a future of rock hard buns and voluntary hygiene.
Review: This app is like… super strict. You’re not allowed to skip bullet journaling or vegetable eating for even a day. It was really getting on my case, and I don’t need that from an app. If I want to be criticized for existing, I can call my ex.
- Name: Habitica
What It Does: Habit tracker that gamifies getting your shit together. You get a cutesy little avatar and you have to do all your tasks every day to level it up. I hoped that if the stakes were higher, if there were real consequences to me flaking out, then maybe I’d have the wherewithal to follow through.
Review: ROFL NO. My avatar is deader than the herb garden I bought to impress that lifestyle blogger I met pregaming for goat yoga. I can still see its pixelated screams etched into my screen: “Oh god, my bones! They burn like hellfire! A single sit-up is all I need!” But I was knee deep in a Friends marathon, and maybe they don’t go on a break this time. How else can I be sure but to keep watching? RIP!
Rating: F because of the atrocities I was forced to commit. I can’t look Zelda in the eye anymore.
- Name: Swiftkey
What It Does: Personalized keyboard that can figure it out when “hermborger und fornchfrees” should be close enough
Review: Now this one is more my speed. You can swipe 50 words per minute while lying prostrate in a catering-size tray of nachos. Also, did you know you can just order a full catering spread for your own personal consumption?
Rating: A+, for both the app and my innovative meal prep
- Name: Instacart
What It Does: Grocery/miracle delivery
Review: After the meal prep debacle, I ordered a family sized tub of Metamucil. It’s been smooth sailing ever since.
Rating: Solid A
- Name: Google Calendar
What It Does: Harass me with relentless reminders for things I don’t want to do
Review: I deleted this bad boy back in March because I run on Me Time now. Cancelling plans is my self-care. I don’t have FOMO, I have IOMO: Insistence on Missing Out. These naps aren’t going to take themselves.
Rating: C, as in C U Never
- Name: Alarm Clock
What It Does: ???
Review: If the universe wants me to be there early, the universe will wake me up on time.
Rating: D. I uninstalled this to make room for the Taco Bell Rewards App. I’m two Chalupas away from a free beef trough, baby!