Oprah Comes Out Of Retirement To Introduce America To Dr. Shlimpenheim

The queen of queens and girlboss to end all girlbosses, Oprah Winfrey, is coming out of retirement to give America one more incredible doctor to look to for advice. His name is Dr. Shlimpenheim and he’s a holistic medicine advocate, Christian scientist, and men’s rights activist. Above all else, he has the best credentials money can buy, an honorary doctorate from Oprah herself. 

Dr. Shlimpenheim doesn’t play by the rules and, quite frankly, that’s why we’re all going to fucking love him. His approach to healing the mental and physical ailments of a sick nation is unorthodox, but could just cure us all. Through a variety of supplements and essential oils, a few prayers, and maintaining a healthy, obedient, opposite sex marriage as God intended, Dr. Shlimpenheim asserts that nothing is incurable. 

“I’ve seen it happen all the time. Lady comes in with stage 4 colon cancer. I give her a whiff of lavender oil, some of my patented blend of elderberry and lemongrass, have her say a few Hail Marys, and give her husband a blowjob to completion whenever he wants, then BLAMMO! Cancer’s gone,” Dr. Shlimpenheim explained. 

Oprah’s philanthropy is a force to be reckoned with. “It wasn’t enough to just come out of retirement to interview him and a couple school shooting victims or whatever. I had to executive produce his very own talk show so his message can really get out there and help people,” she told reporters between lashings she was delivering to the back of a poor orphan boy to get some real fucking tears for the premiere. 

Cancel that doctor appointment and tune in weekdays at 4PM Central on WGN. Get a head start by giving your husband a blowy when he gets home from work today!