Occupy GameStop: Hedge Fund Traders Fight Back Against Injustice In Stock Market

By: Max Stolte

NEW YORK, NY—Following recent events spurred on by a Reddit community of greedy stock traders, hedge fund traders are fighting back and demanding justice. Many would argue that this malicious attack on people just trying to get by is a good indicator of the injustices taking place under our current economic system, but everybody can agree that these heroes are standing up for what’s right and taking on the big guys. They’re camped out in tents outside GameStop retail stores across America and sacrificing the comfort of their king size mattresses to stand up for their convictions.

For 99% of Americans who have no idea how the stock market works, this story is a little difficult to follow. We hired somebody who studied economics to explain it to us and, quite frankly, are still unsure. “You see hedge funds buy stocks using borrowed money and anticipate the stock price will fall, and when it does they buy a bunch of shares to replace the borrowed money and make a profit. It’s honest work and the pay is excellent,” Dr. Richard Guy told reporters, lighting a hundred dollar bill with a match and using the bill to light a cigar.

Well, those plans went down the toilet when a bunch of people got together and bought a bunch of shares and caused the company’s value to skyrocket. If this still doesn’t make any sense to you, you’re not alone. All you really need to know is that the people profiting off of this stunt are using the quick profits for frivolous things like rent and medical bills, while these tanking hedge funds are seeing employees enroll their children in public schools next year. Absolutely heartbreaking.

“I had to trade in my son’s PS5 for a PS4 and a little cash just to make the payment on my Maserati this month,” Jay Stillman said holding back tears. Where he once spent his time yelling about buying and selling, now he spends his time yelling at young employees selling Funco Pop! Figures and used copies of Metal Gear Solid 3. “Now that the shoe is finally on the other foot, maybe these slackers with no ambition will get a taste of their own medicine. You can’t mess with people’s livelihoods by manipulating the market unless you dress up in a suit and go to an office every day!”

This story is still developing, but something about the way money and wall street has intertwined with politics over the last hundred years leads this reporter to believe that the warriors of truth and justice will come out victorious in this battle.