Nursing Home Angel Of Death Fears COVID-19 Will Put Her Out Of Work

April 19, 2020
Business, Health, Local

By: Nick Coffman

BEAVER, PA—Nursing home communities are some of the highest risk facilities for contracting COVID-19. Nobody is more upset by this than nursing home caretaker, Mary Ied (55). “These folks are in pain,” Ied stated. “This is the greatest generation. These folks have lived through the Great Depression, World War II, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Coronavirus should not be the end for these folks. Their end should come by my merciful hands.”

“I was into slowly killing my victims before COVID-19 made it mainstream,” Ied stated. “Killing is an art that I have worked at for years to master, and this virus thinks it can just waltz in here and try to put little ole me out of work? No way honey.”

Ied’s employer defines her position as essential, but she still worries for her future. “I’ve been to nine nursing homes in ten years, but this is the most I’ve ever worried about job security,” Ied stated. “If these folks are dying on their own, what use am I to my employer? Might as well pack my bags and start looking for the next death trap, I mean nursing home.”

Ied has worked in her current nursing home since October 2019, but the residents were quick to warm their way into her heart.

“Mr. Parker in C4 likes to retell the story about how he met his wife after returning home from a tour in Germany and how that moment took his breath away. I can’t wait to do the same. Ms. Clemons in D5 is the last surviving member of the first all female baseball team. I just want to be the one to retire her number. Mr. Braz over there? He was part of the mob and had his hand in some nasty assassinations. It won’t be long before he’s sleeping with the fishes. There are so many wonderful folks at death’s doorstep here. I want to help them meet their maker,” Ied confessed.

Fifteen residents at Ied’s nursing home community have contracted COVID-19 and six of those cases have been fatal. The community has taken to social distancing, limiting access to each resident from all outside visitations.