Asteroid Readjusts Trajectory From 6FT From Earth To 12FT Per CDC Recommendation
By: Sophia Birks
EARTH, MW—A giant, “potentially hazardous” asteroid is heading towards our planet. That’s happening right now. Allow yourself to panic. Now stop and pull yourself together dammit. After the CDC changed their social distancing guidelines from 6 ft to 12 ft, the asteroid readjusted its trajectory path to accommodate the extra space. The virus is new to the Milky Way and even though the flying rock of doom is covered by health insurance, it still doesn’t want to run the risk of infecting other meteors. It’s heading to a rock concert in the Kuiper Belt later this summer.
The asteroid is roughly the size of Manhattan and would be a catastrophic blow to Earth, causing damage beyond the imagination. However, after hearing this news, all at once the world’s leading space experts collectively asked “Who cares?”
That’s right. No one really gives a shit because what’s the worst it can do? Hit us? God, wouldn’t that be nice. A welcomed break from the global pandemic that is 2020. Remember when Australia was on fire? At this point, the coronavirus is making sure we stay well away from everything, including a fiery death in a crater shaped tomb.
While this is overall good news, like any New Yorker that didn’t get hit by a car on their way to work, we’re still a little disappointed. The way the year is going, getting hit by an asteroid seemed like an obvious next step. Now there’s an uncertainty in the air and more talk of the Mayan calendar than we’ve had since 2012.
The last asteroid that hit Earth got rid of all the dinosaurs, and wouldn’t it be nice to have a fresh start with congress? Alas, the asteroid will fly by at a respectful and safe distance and we’ll be stuck inside and probably not get to see it anyway. This is just another news article about how Coronavirus ruins everything, even our untimely cataclysmic deaths.
Man, before COVID-19 this article would have been dope and probably about how we’re sending Will Smith to defeat the asteroid or maybe I could have talked about how I just saw Armageddon for the first time and it’s….bad? But also…good? I’m sorry guys. I let you down and that’s on me.