Newborn Kind Of Glad He Ate Twin In Womb After Emerging To Baby Formula Shortage

A few months ago, Jackie Fairs was devastated by the news that one of her twins had absorbed the other in her womb. The surviving infant was born healthy and full of nutrients that it will need thanks to a baby formula shortage and Jackie’s inability to breastfeed. Jackie and her husband found themselves in a classic bad news, good news, bad news situation. 

“Hopefully our precious, little Johnathon got his fill on poor Jacob, because I don’t know how we’re going to feed him for a while,” Fairs said while scouring Craigslist for black market breast milk.

For now, Johnathon is still burping and spitting up what we can assume is his twin brother, but doctors say when a twin consumes the other they can fill up fast and be hungry again pretty quickly. “Fetal twins are like Chinese food in that way,” says Dr. Graham, the medical professional who refused to give them an abortion on religious grounds.

United States elected officials and Supreme Court justice’s complete inability to govern, manage money, or represent the wishes of its citizens will leave many like her in an awful position with hungry and unwanted babies. On the bright side, young Johnathon was born without a uterus and will not have to worry about getting pregnant and continuing the vicious cycle.

Jackie and her husband mourn the loss of their son, but are wasting no time listing half of the matching baby clothes and toys on eBay to afford formula that’s been hoarded and being sold by third parties at a ridiculous markup. 

A funeral service will be held in honor of Jacob, but is expected to have little to no turnout since he was a fetus and didn’t really know anybody.