By: Mike Maxwell
Skokie, IL—Siblings across America are bracing for their first true test of competitive affection in the calendar year with Mother’s Day fast approaching. Cynics have declared Mother’s Day a ‘Hallmark Holiday’ but it is well known in the cul de sacs and high rises across our fine nation, that Mother’s Day was created by a favorite child sticking it to their siblings again.
Those kids who are middle of the pack need to treat Mother’s Day like their first yoga class; show up looking the part, but don’t try too hard. There’s no coming back from that pain.
Gift ideas for those who clearly aren’t their mother’s favorite offspring:
- Standard Mani-Pedi
Mom’s love a little spa time. Sending her out on her own for an hour or so will be relaxing. This treat allows mom to know two things, one; you’re still gift shopping off Groupon. Two; gifting a standard mani-pedi embodies the accurate time lapse of joy to disappointment that normally is associated with everything else you do for her.
Aw man, you know what mom loves as much or sometimes slightly more than you?! Food! Take her out to that perfect place that’s named after poorly cooked bread or the utensils needed to eat in this century! She’s gonna eat up that 50 minute wait, hopefully she saves room for the fancy $12 pancakes you’re about to front. How does she know they’re fancy? Aside from the creepy white sauce, they name has six of seven ingredients listed. Who doesn’t love a good Graham cracker mulberry acai strawberry cheesecake flapjack?!
The ol’ stand by. Are they a tad out of touch?! Naw, just because they can be also used for sick people, new babies, funerals, weddings, and 98% of all apologies given by your dad, she’s still going to love them so much. Who knows, maybe she’ll pluck the petals off and leave a romantic trail to the bedroom so she can enjoy that quarterly encounter from pops.
Please understand that we’re talking mid-level candies here, she’s not going to love you any more than she does just because you sprung ten more dollars. Whitman Sampler be damned! This is the holiday for spending roughly the same amount that dad spends on wings to accommodate mom’s sweet tooth. If mom is post menopausal, it’s time to welcome her to the Fannie Mae circle. If she maybe started a bit too young, then for the love of God, try to salvage her image with some Ghirardelli’s or Lindt chocolates. They’re easily available at the impulse rack at Marshall’s.
Oh, mama needs a drink! Chances are she had a few during your pregnancy anyway so let’s keep that fire lit. Let’s not assume she’ds a wine drinker, should could be desperately trying to escape this Sunday’s festivities, so on that note, perhaps a small batch gin or vodka?! It’s only fair that the reason why she drinks so much give her a small dose of the medicine she needs to get by, but not enough to enable her. She needs something to remember why you’re not the favorite.
Time is of the essence on preparing the right gift this Mother’s Day. Don’t wait until the last minute, that’s for your dipshit dad to do.