Judge Has No Choice, Lets Murder Suspect With “Only God Can Judge Me” Tattoo Walk

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Early this morning, following a lengthy trial before a jury of his peers, murder suspect Mark Coleman was found not guilty of all charges related to the murder of Jessica Barrington. Despite irrefutable evidence that Coleman was the murderer, during the closing remarks, information was introduced that would blow a giant hole in this case: Coleman has a tattoo that says “Only God Can Judge Me” on his forehead.

On the final day of the trial, Coleman removed his signature baseball cap to reveal his tat. Judge Harrison Sharp was at a loss for words upon the revelation. “Here I was, thinking that I was capable of weighing evidence and sentencing a man after a carefully selected jury came to a decision. Boy was I wrong,” the honorable Judge Sharp told press this afternoon. “I’m not God. I don’t pretend to possess his vengeful yet merciful skills of judgment and punishment. Who am I to play God?”

The victim’s family was devastated to hear the news and some feel they didn’t do enough to prevent this tragedy. Her mother had this to say: “I wanted to tell her that he was trouble. I could tell he was bad news from the beginning. But then I saw his tattoo and thought how blasphemous it would be for me to pass judgment on this fellow human.”

This is an astounding case that has set precedent for courts across the country. While Coleman’s physical self may be off the hook for now, his eternal soul is another matter. God responded to the matter of his guilt saying, “Oh, he’s gonna get what’s coming to him. I’m gonna judge the everliving fuck out of this guy and damn him to hell for all eternity. Maybe I’ll let him come up to heaven for like a day, so he sees how kick ass it is up here. Then, once he feels safe and comfortable, BOOM! It’s right back down to the hellfire!”