By: Erika Hakmiller
Its Father’s Day, which means you might be traveling home (expensive!) to spend the weekend with your dad (who literally does nothing but sit around in piles of money all day). So let’s remind him that you are a struggling artist just trying to make it in the big city. Just because it’s Father’s Day doesn’t mean you can’t get any gifts. Here are some pointers on how to let your dad know that, this Father’s day, you need cash.
First, start off by being honest about how inconvenient this whole trip was for you. I mean, you took off work, you had to take an uber to the airport ($60 in traffic! Great!), and you had to read a book on the plane because your phone died (kill me). Dad needs to know the incredible sacrifices you have made to be here for his “special” day. Remember to keep it honest and casual, we’re just planting the seed.
For the rest of the day you’ll want to compliment EVERYTHING he has. Beautiful desk, such a cool watch, your socks actually match!? By getting over excited about such simple things he’ll take pity on you and we all know that pity leads to pockets… full of cash!
Now it’s time to water the seed. When the family goes out for Father’s Day brunch (so boring), show them how amazed you are by the spectacle of eating out: Table cloths? Glassware? Meat thats fully cooked?! Really be vocal about how foreign all of that is to you. When the mood feels right, inadvertently make a comment about how you’ve been rationing your leftover Easter candy and stealing toilet paper from the starbucks down the street. Joke it off like it’s no big deal and watch that little money plant start to grow in his brain garden!
If you haven’t already, make sure you send him the link to the Kickstarter campaign for your new play about the human condition (Yikes! Major sympathy points earned here!).
Last but not least, gifts. Gifts are where you are going to seal the deal and end up with dollar bills in your hand. Hellz yeah. First start with a bit of a tear jerker. Give him a framed picture from your college graduation, you know, when you got a piece of paper after studying Acting for 4 years. Let him know you are so grateful for all of the time and support he has given your clearly failed career as a performer. End with saying something really pathetic like “This is gonna be the year I get my first EMC point!” or “I’ve got a really good idea for a screenplay!” Oh yeah, now he is feeling really sad for you because you are so unaware of how incredibly hopeless you are.
Damn. Your Dad is feeling bad for you. He is reaching into his wallet right now to hand you everything he’s got. Happy Father’s Day to you!