Joe Biden Siphons Energy From Women’s Shoulders To Win Primaries

By: Justin Borak

WASHINGTON, DC— Joe Biden has been involved in a number of scandals from his son, Hunter, being accused of Ukrainian corruption, to plagiarism accusations dating all the way back to his 1988 Presidential Campaign. However, no scandal has matched multiple photos showing Biden inappropriately touching women throughout his political career. With stories of smelling hair and hugging female senators for far too long, you would think he would have dropped in the first wave with the likes of Texas heartthrob Beto O’Rourke and New York cockroach Bill de Blasio. So with the two questions being “How did this 77-year old Obama superfan get the political stamina of a gross Ruth Bader Ginsburg?” and “How is he not getting more heat for the multiple accusations of sexual misconduct?” it might make one think these two things are connected. 

While all the photos of Joe coming up behind random women on a stage and taking a sniff or caressing their lower backs might remind you of scenes from Lolita, there is actually reason to believe he was siphoning energy to continue to thrive and take down the younger, stronger candidates like Buttigieg and Gabbard. With actual tube siphoning and the common siphon practice of Bernoulli’s principle which uses the decrease of static flow in siphoning to achieve success being impossible, due to no tubes sprouting from any part of Biden in his photos, it seems his hands must be using an energy pull technique of siphoning to pull and drain from the young women like an elderly, white version of Sarah Jessica Parker from Hocus Pocus.

While one could see the energy siphoning system Biden’s political team has come up with as a “cheat” in getting rid of his fellow nominees, these uncomfortable antics might give him the energy he needs to put the Democratic party back on top and take down the current president. The new Disney villain-like energy system built by Biden’s crew actually seems to be working and while it seems that Democrat voters don’t have a choice anymore, a vote for Biden could be a vote for new scientific discoveries down the road. Possibly with a forward thinking, scientifically innovative group taking over the oval office, we could finally learn to do things that we as a country have never thought were possible, like how to use babies to fuel cars and if there is a way to use racism to get oil prices down.