Founder Of New Religion Deciding How Unnecessary, Ornate Hats Should Be

By: Maximilian Stolte

MIAMI, FL–On the front porch of his modest split-level ranch, former cult leader and current religion founder Tim “The Incarnate One” Waterston announced to the hundreds of followers filling his lawn that his prototype for the religious head-wear was almost complete. While there will be a difference between the hats he and other religious leaders wear and the congregation’s, they will both be fairly ornate and completely unnecessary.

“I want to stress that, unlike my previous cranial garb, these will not be silly. They will be beautiful and serve no purpose other than to remind us we all believe the same thing and that our God desires, nay, requires uniformity,” Waterston shouted from his front porch, which in all honesty is more of a stoop. In his previous cult, Warriors of Light, the followers didn’t wear anything on their heads and were forced to shave their heads completely while he wore a hat that was ultimately hilarious, but commanded little respect. In retrospect this was his fatal flaw.

Theology professor and all around kick ass guy Dr. Hubert Schwarz writes in his book “The Rise and Fall of Major Religions” about the unseen factors for success of specific religions such as Waterston’s. “The problem with the Warriors of Light was that they had nothing on their heads. And if there’s nothing on your head, there can be a lot on your mind. It’s best for any religious institution that their devotees think as little as humanly possible,” Schwarz told reporters outside the former Waterston compound, which is now a tax exempt place of worship.

Waterston revealed in the early hours to his social media followers and email subscribers that the hat will resemble the hat worn by the woman on the Chiquita banana stickers, but instead of fruit it will be adorned with various household items such as a toaster, light bulbs, a feather duster, etc. The widely worshiped zealot also announced that while he will undoubtedly wear a robe of some sort and accessory such as a staff or scepter, his followers will just be required to wear a smaller version of his hat. When reached for comment about the tenets of the new religion, Waterston refused an interview.