By: Huck Poe
BEL AIR, CA – Elon Musk recently made history by launching a “Space Oddity”-blasting cherry-red Tesla Roadster into orbit around Mars – but it turns out that’s just the beginning for the tech magnate and inventor. Today, Musk and SpaceX announced a plan to launch every existing motorized vehicle into orbit around a celestial body in our solar system by the year 2040.
“We’re very excited about our Falcon Heavy rocket launch, but this represents a much bigger victory for SpaceX and people all over the world,” said Musk in a post-launch press conference, “With the success of this endeavor, we are proud to announce SpaceX’s new global transportation initiative, OrbitAll.”
The OrbitAll initiative will start small, launching Tesla Roadsters and cars of equal or lesser weight already held by Musk’s company into orbit around nearby planets by 2020. SpaceX will then begin a buyback program for similar cars while testing rockets more powerful than Falcon Heavy to eventually launch other cars, trucks, buses, and semi trailers into orbit around more and more distant planets.
“Though we had some resistance among early investors, the success of our first launch has really proven inspirational,” said SpaceX senior council Rachel Lovejoy. “Our investors are very excited to find out what song the next car will play on repeat throughout its orbit. Of course, we can coast for a while on David Bowie’s catalogue, but there are plenty of other space-themed songs and concept albums we can use, from Holst’s Planet Suite all the way to The Weeknd’s ‘Starboy.’ Humanity’s musical output will not limit our ability to launch cars into nearby space, blasting pertinent tunes into our shared future.”
“I could use my substantial wealth to tackle world hunger, or to make sustainable energy cheaper and more efficient,” said Musk, “But something about launching a $200,000 car into space for no conceivable reason really got my juices flowing. I think I’m on a roll here.”
“I am Elon Musk, I am out of my dad-blessed mind, I have more money than most people could ever dream of spending, and I am going to use that money to smear visible space with every motor vehicle on Earth, consequences be damned,” added Musk. “God bless America.”
At press time, Musk was doing the Cossack dance while balancing a bunch of bananas on his head.