By: Danny Neary
FORT WAYNE, IN—Area man, Eric Romaker, known by for being one of the dumbest jerks from high school, is currently entrusted with deciding who lives and who dies. A former whip-its enthusiast and a smooth brained imbecile, Romaker has turned his life around by going through minor screening and being given far too much responsibility.
Former classmates of Romaker remember him for his incessant quoting of the 2009 film The Hangover, his belief that the NBA is racist towards white guys, and for the time he ran over himself with his own car. “That idiot used to write my name on his test when he tried to cheat off of me. They shouldn’t trust him to drive, let alone handle a gun” said Romaker’s former biology classmate, Sarah King.
Romaker, who briefly worked as a freelance salesman for Amway, was overheard saying he always wanted to have the power to decide if someone lived or died. Adding, he knew having this power would be the only way he could ever talk down to people and make them feel like shit, without having to actually do anything impressive.
“Romaker was an absolute moron. I finally understand why so many of these guys mistake cell phones for guns,” said King, who mentioned that the last time she ran into Romaker he was shooting bottle rockets in a Walmart while yelling at his seventeen year old girlfriend to buy more Mountain Dew. “I’m really thinking about moving, but I’m starting to realize if they’d hire Romaker, who knows what other dumb Daniel Tosh fans might be out there pointing guns at people. Shit, maybe I should finally move to Denmark,” added a horribly distraught King. At press time, the local idiot asshole from high school was being transferred to a different city for a crime he apparently didn’t commit.