Dad Wears Formal Oakleys To Hooters Fundraiser

By: Jacklyn Daytona

JACKSONVILLE, FL–A Florida teen reported that she “like practically died of embarrassment” and is “probably going to have to sit at the loser table with Olivia S. and the Anime kid,” after she was forced to attend a charity fundraiser where her father wore his “special occasion” Oakley sunglasses. Madison Sims, a junior at Darnell Cookman High School, tweeted that being in public with her father was “awkward AF” and that she was “mad draking all night” after spending her Friday night in a Southside Blvd Hooters.

“If anyone from school saw me in his janky pick-up truck, I’d never be able to show my face again. Even my friends make fun of his mullet and his Oakland Raiders earring,” said Madison Sims. “And who the hell is John Cougar anyway?”

Madison’s father, Keith Sims, wore his favorite shirt to the fundraiser, a sleeveless black t-shirt from John Cougar Mellencamp’s 1988 “The Lonesome Jubilee” Tour, a tour that, according to Sims, “slapped ass.” Madison also raised objections to the rest of Keith Sims’ outfit, which included a pair of Wrangler jorts, ASICS running shoes, tube socks, and a Jack Daniel’s visor with an American Flag motif that he described as “bitchin’.” Sims opted for his pair of Oakley sunglasses with the blue mirrored lenses over an identical pair with orange lenses because, “everyone knows blue is classy as shit.”

Madison declined her father’s offer to split fifty original style Hooters wings, forcing Keith Sims to just order forty wings for himself. Sims washed his wings down by winning the “Charity Chug-Off,” where he was the fastest of ten contestants to consume 40 ounces of Bud Light from a coconut brassiere. Madison Sims uploaded video of the Chug-Off to her TikTok set to the Dua Lipa hit, “IDGAF”.

Despite his daughter’s embarrassment, Keith Sims considered the evening to be a complete success. The charity event raised $12,548 for America NOW!, an organization that supports causes like universal basic income, LGBTQ rights, and the election of women and minorities to Congress. 

“Shit, I love chicken wings so much I’d eat ‘em off a goddamned frisbee,” said Sims, “but if there’s one thing I love more than suckin’ hot meat off a drumette, it’s a more progressive, diverse and inclusive America for my children. Now that really slaps ass!”