CONVENIENT: Transitions Lenses Purchasers Now Automatically Added To Sex Offender Registry

By: John D. from Transitions™ Lenses 

EVERYTOWN, USA—Quarantine life is tough enough already, which is why it’s nice to see businesses taking steps to make life easier for their customers. Transitions™ Lenses announced this week that from now on, all purchases of their proprietary lens technology will come with free perks for their customers, including automatically adding the purchaser to their local sex offender registry. Transitions™ are the groundbreaking lenses that go from  transparent lenses when you’re safe in your home, to tinted while outdoors, so you can hide your guilty eyes from those you pass on the street.

And while wearing a pair of transitions lenses is already tantamount to shouting “I am a sex criminal!” into a bullhorn, the folks at Transitions™ realize that there is often a legal requirement to announce your presence to any neighbors, which is why they are providing declaration services to all new customers. Each pair of lenses purchased will provide the purchaser with a designed Transitions™ Sex Criminal Town Crier who will go door-to-door notifying all neighbors within the court designated radius of your presence in the neighborhood and of your recent purchase of stylish Transitions lenses while maintaining your social distance.

But not every transition from medium security prison to court-supervised parole is as smooth as Transitions™ switch from indoor to outdoor light, and the folks at Transitions™ recognize the need for anonymity from time to time. So as an added bonus to new customers, each purchase will also come with a pair of Transitions™ Groucho Glasses, a special pair of Transitions™ frames with a nose, eyebrows and mustache attached to help you anonymously blend in to the public while shielding your eyes from UV rays and the judging glares of your neighbors.

And coming this fall, look for new Transitions™ Perimeter Peepers, which use built in GPS technology to notify the wearer when they’re approaching 500 feet of a school or park!