Colorado Big Game Trophy Wook Hunter Kills Denver Man

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Jan. 30, 2016

A Facebook group that started as a joke has gotten all too real this weekend as a life is claimed in Denver. The group was started as a catch and release sport, where participants would take a picture with the wook, or stinky jobless hippie who is afraid of scissors and razors, and let them go into the wild. Someone didn’t get the memo.

“We at CBGTWH do not condone murdering these wonderful and majestic creatures,” reported Ian Beal, the group’s founder. “Sure, they can be ornery things at times. Belligerent, spaced out, ketamine fueled idiots even. But at the end of the day they’re still someone’s kid that’s been disowned for his/her lifestyle choices.”

Born David Kelsch, but known on the lot scene as Bedbug, he was the father of two illegitimate children that he was unaware of and the proud owner of a backpack full of bullshit and a hungry pit bull. He leaves what few belongings he had to his “boy” Froggy aka Chakra Khan.

The shooter, a man named Alex Strath, was taken in for questioning. Denver police found that he did not have the proper license to hunt and he was given a $1,000 fine. Strath refused to comment on the incident.

An acquaintance of the fallen wook came forward and made a statement about his passing. “I mean, I can’t really say I liked the guy. He always needed a miracle to every show. A miracle would be his bum ass getting a job and buying a ticket on his own. He hit every bowl and I don’t think he bought weed once in his life. Don’t even get me started on powder drugs. Honestly, he smelled like shit and gave us all scabies. Now that I think about it, fuck that guy.”

His friends are holding a candlelight vigil this Sunday at Sancho’s in Denver: the place he first fished out on nitrous and currently owes $20 for his last tab.