Are Male Seahorses The Cucks Of The Ocean? Yes!
By: Madeleine Russell
Shedd Aquarium – Chicago, IL – A new study out of the University of Chicago closes the book on a centuries old quadry for mankind – what kind of total cucks are sea horses, anyway? The scientific community has found evidence to suggest that nearly all 40 species of seahorse are by far the most wussy member of the ocean creature family. This shameful prize used to belong to male dolphins – who have sex for fun with other male dolphins and hold an especially dear place in the hearts of young girls.
The biggest and most commonly known wimp ability for seahorses is carrying fetuses. During mating, female seahorses deposit up to 50 eggs that males fertilize, gestate, and deliver. This kind, generous act frees time for female seahorses to procreate in higher quantities, occupy leadership positions in the seahorse community, and earn equal compensation as male seahorses.
“Male seahorses are total pussies. I saw one specimen tip a fat waitress 30%.” says Dr. James Dunn of UIC’s Department of Marine Sociology. “Textbook cuck move.”
The study goes on to reveal a whole host of cuck-like behaviors, including poor swimming skills (seahorses are often die of exhaustion), pescetarianism, male nursing, swimming in pairs with their tails linked together, washing their hands after using the restroom, holding purses, wearing a #timesup pin, and being indigestible to most sea predators by being too “boney.”
Dr. Dunn, who received his medical degree while tailgating at Penn State continues, “They are cowards. They mimic the ocean’s plant life to avoid detection by alpha predators.”
What could the future hold for such a namby pamby, feeble species as the male seahorse? Only more research can confirm, but this study poses that their only hope for survival is a constant barrage of vigorous insults, rape threats, and doxing by the smaller group of robust, more virile seahorses in the batch.
One such horse comments, “I don’t care if it is against my interests and the survival of my species, I will catfish every last cuck seahorse until they all refuse to give birth.”