If you or a loved one are struggling with low T (low toilet paper), here are some tips that can help you get through this trying time. Microdose Imodium so you only poop every eight days like Beyonce. Cutting down on poops will not only increase intervals between wipes, it will also make you better at dancing and singing.
Redirect the hand bidet in your kitchen or bathroom to angle upwards towards your anus.
Funnel your poos out with the leftover TP cardboard roll. Simply stick the empty roll in your poopchute and the fecal matter will never touch the walls of your anus!
Let it ride. You’re not going out to see anyone anytime soon, so does it matter if you’re caked in shit and smell so foul your mother wouldn’t even love you?
This one is technically still wiping, but you know that funny paper we used to trade around for goods and services? Well that stuff is gonna be practically useless when this is all over, so just use that on your bunghole!
Line your mouth with Saran Wrap before every meal to create wipe-free boom booms. Cut out the middle man and make that food go in clean and come out the same.
Do a reverse poop (do not google on a work computer). Even if you’re working from home, you probably go on a government list. Just trust us that it can be done.
Duct tape works as a way to keep that pesky human waste inside you and delivers a bonus anal waxing when removed.
Take a 2-week hand stand class so that you can stabilize yourself upside down in the shower and let gravity take that b-hole mess down the drain!
Bond with a pet and assdrag on your carpet, preferably maintaining eye contact for further bonding. This is normally their time away from you so have a heart while you’re stuck at home.