Ellen Degeneres Shanked With Sharpened Silver Spoon By Cellmate Portia de Rossi

By: L. N. Degenerate 

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Just weeks after releasing a gut-busting video of herself not doing a puzzle, Ellen Degeneres has been shivved by her unhappy wife and cellmate Portia de Rossi, both prisoners in their own home. De Rossi sharpened the silver spoon Degeneres infamously used to snort cocaine with George W. Bush into a shank and stabbed her three times in the back. To much of the disdain of nationwide Twitter users, the wounds were not fatal. 

The two inmates were on poor terms before their incarceration and their relationship exacerbated after being stripped of their freedom, wealth, and right to vote. The warden of the estate told reporters their relationship was “transactional and lacking love” and “for a few cigarettes or a bottle of vintage wine from the cellar, she had Portia eating out of her hands [lap].”

After being stripped of her basic humanity, the Arrested Development actress found herself in a fight or flight situation when Degeneres couldn’t get the WiFi to work and demanded de Rossi reset the router. De Rossi reportedly didn’t feel like going all the way to the office/private movie theater, as it was five cell blocks away, and she was exhausted from riding her Peloton bike in the prison yard all day. 

When shouting ensued, de Rossi removed the treasured silver spoon, revealing the coke surface end of the spoon had been fashioned into a sharp knifelike instrument of murder. Degeneres turned her back, which confidentially assured her the hierarchy of the prison caste system would prevail. She was then met with three blows that penetrated her skin and standard issue $2,000 dollar blouse/uniform. 

“Luckily, it had been weeks since my masseuse had gotten over to my house so my back muscles were tense and kept the spoon-knife from going too deep and hitting any organs,” Ellen conjectured. “Being in the midst of a public health crisis really has me feeling like I’m a medical professional. I am essential after all. People gotta have their Ellen!”

De Rossi was transferred to Santa Barbara County Jail and awaits trial. Legal experts aren’t holding out much hope as the system tends to be prejudiced towards upper class white women. The actress was heard telling inmates, “This really reminds me of home.”