5 Warning Signs That The Milkman Might Be A Process Server

9/5/2017

By: Jason Elewski

Milkmen are the everyday heroes that provide us with rich, calcium-filled, silky smooth milk—the thing that keeps America’s backbone strong. We eagerly welcome them into our homes 2-3 times per week without hesitation. Why shouldn’t we? In this day and age, however, a nefarious group of subservient subhumans have taken advantage of our dependence on dairy in order to surreptitiously serve us subpoenas. Here’s a few tips on how to spot these scoundrels if they ever come knocking. 

1.) It’s Tuesday: You just got fresh milk yesterday! Unless you’re hoarding milk in the middle of a national milk shortage (in which case you deserve to be served), this should probably raise some alarms.

2.) Your milk delivery man has a beard: It’s not your job to memorize the milkman handbook, but when was the last time your milk was delivered by a scruffy gent? Hopefully, the answer is “never”! Something is awry. Best not to confirm your name with this man.

3.) The milkman that stands before you is a woman: You would be forgiven if your judgement is a tad clouded before you’ve had your morning milk, but it’s considerably well known that milkmaids don’t make home deliveries. Watch out! That cunning deceptress at your door is definitely serving you a cold glass of summons.

4.) You can see the logo from their Black Flag t-shirt bleeding through their uniform: Process servers are masters of disguise, but they’re also punk rock degenerates. Luckily for us, the milkmen’s dress code strictly prohibits the use of anything short of a pristine white undershirt to be worn under a pristine white uniform. Sometimes it pays to be a stickler for the rules!

5.) He feeds you some bullshit line about how humans aren’t designed to digest lactose: The milkman is there to do 2 things: deliver the milk and enjoy a class of milk with you and your family over breakfast. If he suddenly becomes some kind of hippie scientist, talking about how dairy isn’t an essential block of the food pyramid, it’s time to kindly show him the door with your fist. Good day, sir!

Follow these tips and you’ll avoid court for a very long time!