10 Ways To End Calls With Lonely Customers Who Just Want Someone To Talk To
After nearly a year of isolation, nearly every customer service agent has experienced the customer who just keeps you on the phone without buying anything or worse: buys something and then keeps you on the phone just to chat. It’s always awkward trying to say goodbye to these people, but with these simple tricks you can get back to work without pushing anyone deeper into the abyss of loneliness and despair.
- “Your dinner’s ready!”
Nothing will make somebody quit what they’re doing faster than the prospect of their dinner burning and catching fire to their house and all of their possessions. This one works best if you’re selling home insurance, but will work on anyone who values shelter, material items, or dinner that isn’t burned to a crisp and disgusting. Since you’re usually calling around dinner time it’s guaranteed to be good timing as well!
- “This is your grandmother. I’ve come back to life, but I’m in agonizing pain. The devil demands a soul for a soul. Help me ______, it hurts!”
Most people have lost a grandmother. If they hadn’t before the chances are much higher after the elderly demolishing pandemic. Most people would rather be lonely with nobody to talk to than sacrifice their life for a grandparent whose death they’ve already grieved and gotten over completely. This one will result in a click and dial tone guaranteed.
- “Did you know there are horny singles in your area?”
Sometimes people are just lonely because they have no idea that there are horny singles in their area right now. Singles that are waiting to end their loneliness and begin their boneliness. You ever heard of a customer holding a telemarketer’s time hostage while they’re getting their rocks off with a conveniently located horny single? Us either.
- “I’m a polygamist with 7 wives and my life is a nightmare. Count yourself lucky!”
The grass is always greener on the other side, but giving them a glimpse into the “be careful what you wish for” scenario will make depressed customers realize the folly of their need for human contact and emotional intimacy. If they don’t hang up immediately, start telling them how quickly a yeast infection travels when you sleep with seven wives in one bed.
- “Oh god, they’ve breeched security. I’ll be dead in minutes. Please know that I loved you and move on. I’ll always be with you in your heart.”
Terrorist attacks are becoming more and more prevalent in today’s world. The sympathy that the customer will receive having lost a loved one in a deadly attack perpetrated by extremists will cure their loneliness for a while and clear the line quickly so you can get back to making sales!
- “Wow, that’s just like this problem I’ve been having—“
Nothing makes people leave a conversation faster than the prospect of that conversation shifting from being about them to being about you. Lonely people are often lonely for a reason, like they’re bad listeners or self-centered. If it doesn’t work, you get to unload some of your problems onto a stranger. If it does, you’re right back to making calls and getting those sales up baby!
- “I’m sorry, but I’ve been shitting my pants this entire time you’ve been talking and my coworkers are starting to smell it.”
Even lonely people have standards. They’ll likely be so disgusted by you shitting your pants while they’re talking to you that they will hang up before they throw up.
- “Let’s get married.”
Let’s face it, our generation is afraid of commitment. With staggeringly high divorce rates, anyone born after 1960 has either been divorced, had parents that were divorced, or watched an episode of Divorce Court. It’s safe to assume that callers will remember the age old adage “It’s better to die alone than to love someone, lose them, and live with that crippling loneliness for the rest of your days.”
- “This reminds me of the episode of Friends where—“
This will most likely end a call before you even have to make up the plot of an episode of Friends. It being altogether unwatchable aside, lonely people don’t like being reminded that other people are enjoying their lives with friends. A television program entirely dedicated to that premise is sure to send lonely callers running.
- “Would you like to come to my improv show?”
Someone could be captured as a prisoner of war, sentenced to solitary hard labor for 30 years, be emancipated, and they would still rather be alone than go to an improv show. If they knew the person since they were kids, maybe they’d say yes and bail last minute, but this is a complete stranger. They have no interest in watching you and a bunch of adults with narcissistic personality disorder they’ve never even met pretend to be characters with real jobs, interests, and hobbies.
