World-Weary Toddler Carefully Sanitizes Binky Before Smearing All Over Mouth And Body

By: Simon Tessmer

CHICAGO, IL—Four year old Mark Thompson is showing signs of fatigue amidst the strain of the coronavirus pandemic. After waking from a fitful nap, the world-weary toddler carefully sanitized his binky before smearing it all over his mouth and body.

“Stress from this crisis is really taking its toll,” remarked Thompson’s mother Jessica. “He used to pick his binky off the floor and go straight into a vigorous full-body exploration, but now he’s careful to use a Lysol wipe before going directly to his crotch and butthole.”

Mark’s tired preparation extends into his limited socializing. On rare playdates, he now establishes a six-foot gap between himself and his friend before flinging snot and fully saturating his diaper.

“It’s sad,” Jessica continued. “Childhood is about innocence, you know? No kid should have to worry about washing their hands for twenty seconds before and after ramming seven boiled peas up their nose.”

She showed us the newly clean wall next to Mark’s bed. “He used to stick his boogers there and let them age for days without abandon, but now he avoids extra bacteria by eating them right away. Damn, I need a minute.”

Jessica turned away and wept. 

The question lingering over Jessica and husband Dan is whether little Mark will recover his youthful zeal. Will he continue to resist urinating in the bathtub for five minutes? Or will he be his old self, and shit the tub with no hesitation?

“Time will tell,” Jessica lamented. “Last night I dreamt of him eating handfuls of dirt with no problem, and it made me smile. But today is not that day. For now, we’ll have to live with him patting his dirt down with a used napkin before gulping it whole.”