Work Holiday Party To Be Filled With Equal Parts Fun And Regret

By: Maximilian Stolte

Chicago, IL—The law firm Abrahamson, Vorachek & Levinson is gearing up for its annual holiday party and, if last year is any indicator, its shaping up to be an absolute shit show. While attendees of last year’s party will agree that the party was incredibly fun for the employees and included free drinks, the shame and regret that came the next business day were equal enough to cancel out any joy experienced.

Attorney Martin Pratt recapped his memory of last year’s party stating, “It was a bit fuzzy the next morning, but when I woke up to a text from Karen in accounts receivable saying ‘You and Cheryl made out at the party and she’s leaving her husband for you’ I knew I had messed up. It was so fun and we all just let loose, but man was the next 6 months super weird.”

Pratt wasn’t the only employee to make decisions they would regret. A very drunk and very new employee, Martha Robertson, went on a tirade about how terrible Vorachek, the senior partner, was to Alex. She later found out that his full name was Alex Vorachek and the only reason he got the job was because his uncle was the senior partner. What began as a hope to fit in by sticking it to the bosses turned into an awkward situation for the rest of her time at the firm.

Jared Hart and Kathy Gable hit it off on the dance floor, which was an office romance akin to Jim and Pam, until Kathy threw up on his shoes. Anna Foreman got a DUI leaving the party. Aaron Pirrone accidentally hit reply all an email with a picture of himself eating a cheeseburger shirtless in a David Hasselhoff fashion.

Using last year’s party as a predictor for behavior and incidents, this year’s party will be both extremely fun and will undoubtedly lead to regret for all who attend and partake in festivities.