Who To Massage Now That You Can’t See Your Co-Workers

March 25, 2020
Health, Local, Social

By: Sophia Birks

CHICAGO, IL — Times are tough for the telecommuters especially for office heroes like you, who used sensual professional touching to boost productivity. Your co-workers loved the feeling of your hands sliding onto their shoulders from behind as they sat vulnerably below you, especially the women! Those massages got them and you through the day. So, just for you, here’s a list of things you can rub to wait out this social distancing mumbo jumbo.

Your own shoulders

You deserve a little treat for being such a good guy! Pro tip: try sitting on your hands to numb them and it will feel like someone else is massaging you. If it’s the giving that gets you off, motivationally speaking, ice your shoulders for 30 min to numb and enjoy.

2. Your Roommate’s Shoulders

A roommate is basically a co-worker anyway. You have set jobs or chores, you can’t take any of the food they labeled, they don’t know about the cameras, and you have to have meetings to check in. This should be an easy transition for you.

3. A soft animal or a fish as it swims past you in terror

A living creature is best for this kind of simulation so work with what you have! Most animals are just scared of intimacy, it’s up to you to teach them that touching can be nice. If there’s an animal outside that you want to pet, take it, bring it inside, give it a home. Any animal that’s outside has been abandoned.

4. A bag of tennis balls

This sensation will be very close to the back muscles of your co-workers recoiling in pleasure from your soothing touch. Lay the bag of balls on the ground and just go crazy on them. It’s what your co-workers would want. They miss you. Facetime them.

5. Your own ego

Massage this like there’s no tomorrow because there probably won’t be. You’re the best and no one does anything better than you ol’ sport! I’m proud of you.

6. The roll of toilet paper you stole from work

It smells like your co-workers and isn’t that nice? Massaging the roll will also make it softer for your butt later when you’re using it to wipe.

7. All the doorknobs in your house.

This doubles as a good way to make sure all of your locks are working. If looting happens, you’ll be able to sleep easy.

8. The Fish’s ego

You found him in a bowl outside, abandoned, he’s never gotten over it. Sometimes, he wishes you’d just left him out there and he could have washed away in the rain. We’re all just waiting to be washed away. Build up his confidence and trust and then you can massage that scaly body for reals.

9. Your Roommate’s Body Pillow

Maybe try it while they’re using it, mix it up and don’t be afraid to be creative! Plus the anime girl on it looks a little like Cheryl from accounting.

10. The VooDoo Doll You Made Of Your Co-Worker Dan Last Year

It’s just sitting in your junk draw anyway. Even though he didn’t answer your facetime, he really does miss you. Besides, you know it doesn’t work because if it did…well Dan’s still around and you don’t make rash decisions anymore.

11. A framed picture of Frankie Muniz

We all know what it’s like to be in the middle now. He’s doing really well and we’re happy for him.

12. Your Rick and Morty Box Set

If you need this list you own that show on DVD.

13. A Phone Call With Your Mom

She does everything for you and you can’t what? Pick up a phone? Disgusting.

14. Kill Your Roommate

HAHAHAHA WOULDN’T THAT BE HILARIOUS IF YOU JUST LIKE DID THAT? NO ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE FOR 1-4 MONTHS! HAHAHAHA but yeah you should definitely kill them.