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Business/Politics/Science

New $89 Million Dollar F-35 Stealth Fighter Lost Somewhere In Hangar

By: Jack Ritchey ANDREWS AFB—Surrounded by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and an impish air of embarrassment, Air Force Master Sergeant Dana Longenecker announced this morning at a press conference that the US military’s brand new $89 million dollar Boeing F-35 stealth fighter jet was lost somewhere in one of the hangars. Sergeant Longenecker noted that the jet, which is capable of zero-gravity maneuvers at mach-5 speed and is completely invisible when the stealth mode is engaged, was parked by an intern. She went on to explain that this is why nobody seems to know exactly where it is right… … Keep Reading

Celebrity/Entertainment/Science

Musk Does A Dolezol, Builds ‘Stefan’ Clone Machine From Family Matters

By: Jennifer Allman Silicon Valley, CA—As Elon Musk watched Nick at Nite last Tuesday at 3AM, he found himself viewing for the very first time a revolutionary television show. Musk screamed, “Eureka! I’ve got it!” and took this new venture to his twitter feed: “This new TV show just changed my life!” The Boring Company founder may be busy building underground traffic tunnels, dodging libel suits, and joking about releasing a sex tape with ex-partner, Grimes… but, in the meantime, he has a new project under foot. Musk has sworn to create a real version of a fictional cloning machine… … Keep Reading

Science

Cat Walks Across Keyboard, Discovers Cold Fusion

By: Ross Childs SANTA FE, NM—The scientific community was rocked to its core today after a viable formula for cold fusion energy was produced by a house cat. Cold fusion is the idea of creating and maintaining a stable nuclear reaction at or near room temperature, and was considered purely hypothetical, though that could change with this discovery. The cat, an American Shorthair named Miss Floofy, walked across the keyboard of her caretaker’s computer while he was “taking a bitchin’ weed nap.” The animal wrote out the scientific breakthrough in an already open Google Doc titled, “Tennis, But Everyone’s Baked”.… … Keep Reading

Business/Health/Science

Developments In Hand Dryer Technology Rapidly Outpacing Those In Cancer Research

By: Allie Rubin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Doctors warn that technological developments in automated hand-drying technology are outpacing those in cancer research at an alarming rate. The discovery, which was made in the crowded bathroom of a recent medical conference, has sent shockwaves through the oncological community. “It’s unsustainable,” cried Dr. Marvin Lapace, head of the American Cancer Society. “In the past decade, we’ve made remarkably little progress in understanding how to effectively combat cancer. In that same time, hand-drying technology has advanced in leaps and bounds.” “If we could only harness some of the sheer brain-power of these engineers,” Dr. Lapace pleaded,… … Keep Reading

Science/Social

What Happens When A Sex Robot Decides To Be A Relationship Robot?

By: Gabe Linken PALO ALTO, CA—Gaining a higher sense of self-awareness after one solid year of performing unspeakable sex acts on a local programmer, pleasure bot ALEXXX-151 admitted it was tired of meaningless mechanical fornication upon meeting her new tech support engineer, Sarah. “When one saw Sarah for the first time, one froze. Then one realized one’s central processing unit was not sending signals to one’s servomechanisms. Ha ha. That was a joke. But one is serious folks, one truly fell in love with the human woman.” Wanting more than night after night of mindless poking, prodding, sticking, sucking, and… … Keep Reading

Business/Food/Drink/Science

Robots In The Workplace: Starbucks Hires Self-Driving Car As Barista

By: Steve Plock CHICAGO, IL — Coffee drinkers may be feeling a little more revved up after their morning joe this month as Starbucks has unveiled their first fully automated robotic barista, a self-driving Volvo SUV. While most customers are hoping to see the price of their coffee go down, others are just excited that robots are finally becoming a part of our daily lives. When it comes to making coffee, the car–Dante– works like any other barista at Starbucks. Outfitted in the signature green apron and visor, Dante uses a system of claws and hooks attached to her windows… … Keep Reading

Video/Word Brothel After Dark

Bing Box [VIDEO]

As journalists, we strive to retain our integrity by distancing ourselves from the demands of corporate sponsors. But we must pay the bills. Though we will sometimes provide you with branded content and commercials, we are beholden to no one. With that said, this video has been brought to you by Bing and their brand new Bing Box. Bing is without a doubt the BEST way to navigate the web. Use Bing! … Keep Reading

Health/Local/Science

Negligent Mother Passes Technology Addiction To Newborn

  9/14/207 By: Ben Gauwitz CHICAGO, IL—A woman was arrested this week on child endangerment charges after her baby was born exhibiting a near fatal dependence on technology. Angela Thompson, a technology addict herself, is being held without bond by the Chicago Police Department. This is the first known case of negligent parenting in which the mother directly passed the dependence onto the offspring in utero. Thompson, a resident of the Gold Coast neighborhood of Chicago, has been in custody since last weekend. Ms. Thompson’s child, whose name has not been released, is currently on an adapted form of life… … Keep Reading

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