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Celebrity/Politics/Social/Uncategorized

Zuckerberg Releases Nightmarish Trove Of Trump Dick Pics In Failed Attempt To Win Back Public Support

By: Simon Tessmer PALO ALTO, CA—Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has released thousands of photographs of the president’s ugly penis in the hopes of capitalizing on anti-Trump sentiment and improving his public image. Despite tepid, perfunctory support from the Men’s Rights Activism movement, Zuckerberg has earned near-universal criticism and embroiled the globe in debilitating nausea.   “Our data from the past year indicated a widespread interest in Donald Trump’s sexual transgressions,” Zuckerberg explained in his home office. “The terms ‘Trump’ and ‘penis’ appeared in users’ texts, emails, and phone conversations at a markedly increased rate since Stormy Daniels’ book was published.… … Keep Reading

Food/Drink/Politics

State Of The Union Drinking Game Results In Hundreds Dead

By: Ross Childs WASHINGTON, DC—During the President’s State Of The Union address, millions of Americans gathered for the annual SOTU drinking game, where participants take a shot every time the president takes credit for someone else’s accomplishment, doubles down on a ridiculous campaign promise, attempts to shift blame, or engages in a number of predicted behavioral patterns – anyone of which was guaranteed to get anyone playing positively schnacklered. This year, however, a Chicago resident named Clarb Blorfgrin decided to add a new rule: take a shot every time someone in attendance looks like they’re “over it.” Within 20 minutes… … Keep Reading

Health/Politics

BREAKING: Donald Trump Has A Pretty Regular Dick, Breaking Years Of Presidential Tradition

By: Jack Hutsey WASHINGTON, D.C.—After hearing that President Donald Trump has a dick shaped like a mushroom, the nation is in a state of shock and rage. Never before in American history has the country been led by a man with a normal looking dick. “This is unprecedented and quite frankly, unprofessional and unbecoming of the office of the presidency,” Arthur Patrick Gable, official Presidential Penis Historian and Curator of the Commander-in-Chief Dick Museum and Education Center, said. It is the unspoken rule of the Presidency that the holder of the office must have a weird looking rod. Concave. Swirled.… … Keep Reading

Entertainment/Movies/Politics

President Clearly Never Seen A Single Episode Of VeggieTales

By: Nicholas Scutti WASHINGTON, D.C.—At FaithCon, an interfaith convention in the nation’s capital, ministers, rabbis, and imams, among others, gathered to discuss President Donald Trump’s ethics and values, if he had any. After hours of debate, the members of the convention made a radical conclusion: that President Trump has clearly never seen a single episode of VeggieTales. “It makes a lot of sense when you think about it,” said Cardinal Christopher Jones, Vice President of the convention. “VeggieTales teaches us how to love and care for one another. It’s a well known fact that former president Jimmy Carter only started… … Keep Reading

Entertainment/Local/Politics

Got ‘Em: Drumpf Must Resign After Improv Team Torches Him In Last Night’s Set

By: Jack Hutsey CHICAGO, IL—Pack your shit, “President” Trump. We’d be surprised if Krumpf can even sit down after the scorching treatment Chicago improv troupe, Ben & Jerrymander, dished out in last night’s set. The veteran team of 24-year olds received the suggestion of “zucchini” and immediately went to work, drilling the Commander-in-Grief with wordplay and puns that would make William Shakespeare nut into a Dixie cup. “We were just on top of our game,” BJ Waters said. “I started a scene about gentrification, and J-Bone [Jacopo Dandelbaum] took it to a new place with his character, Cheeto Hands.” After… … Keep Reading

Uncategorized

Presidential Portrait Restorer Loses Soul Staring Into Eyes Of William McKinley

By: Jack Ritchey WASHINGTON D.C.— Since 1910 the ghastly visage of former President William McKinley has loomed ominously over the third floor of the Library of Congress in Washington DC. While he was alive, McKinley was so feared for his tyrannical and unholy leadership, like maintaining the gold standard and supporting the “Dingley Tariff”, that he had to be murdered by an anarchist, and his tortured spector was forever entombed inside his official portrait as a means of protecting humanity from his unyielding terror. Tour groups are forbidden from passing by and employees of the Library are under strict guidelines… … Keep Reading

Politics

Donald Trump Realizes He Never Switched Over From Obama’s Email Signature

By: Madeleine Russell Washington, DC – Thanks to his active twitter account, Donald Trump’s administration has been the most technically visible presidency in recent history. In his first 6 months of office, Trump pushed out over 1,000 tweets despite passing zero legislation. Considering the public’s unprecedented access to the president’s thoughts, it seems only natural that we would assume a base level of technical knowledge. But on Wednesday, March 6th of this week an lonely, unnamed White House staffers received an email from Donald Trump’s official white house account, but something was drastically wrong. “It still had Obama’s email signature… … Keep Reading

Politics

They Taught This Whale To Talk And Now It’s Running For President Of The United States

By: Steve Plock Social media was abuzz this week with news that Wikie, a 15 year old Orca Whale, has learned to imitate human speech and actually speak words. But Wikie didn’t stop there, shortly after the news was announced of Wikie’s amazing ability, Wikie held a press conference announcing his candidacy for the Presidency of the United States. Twitter and Facebook were flooded with comments from Americans who were absolutely thrilled with the prospect of an orca whale becoming the President of the United States, a first for the country. As of this report, Wikie can only say “hello”,… … Keep Reading

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