A Short List of Names You Shouldn’t Give Your Dog

6/19/2017

By: Rebecca Velez

So you got yourself a new pooch. The most important choice isn’t what kind of food to feed your little canine friend or what kind of collar, leash, and accessories to decorate your puppy pal in. No, the choice you must make now is what to name the little cutie. Well, that’s a choice you’re going to need to make on your own, but here are some things to NOT name them.

• Daiquiri: Nobody will know how to spell your dog’s name. Vet’s will misfile your pup’s health records. You’ll get the answer to the secret question “first pet” wrong, every time. You find me a person that knows how to spell “Daiquiri” right in one try, and I will show you a psychopath.

• Sniper: Sure, you’ve got a cute German Shepard that’s as quick as a whip and “snipes” all your food off the kitchen table. This is not something you want to be yelling in a park in this day and age.

• Meat: Are you breeding that pack of pit bulls for something other than showing them? Weren’t there 6 puppies when they were first born? Well I only see 5 now, you sick fuck.

• Sit: This is going to be confusing as shit for you and the dog. You’re going to either have a dog that sits every time you want them to come or a dog that comes to you every time you want them to sit. This goes for any command, perhaps especially “come” (See next list item).

• Dick: “Dick, come!” Is this what you want to say every time you summon your dog? I don’t care what your sexual dominatrix fantasies are, you leave your dog out of it. Seriously, what kind of perv are you? Don’t even give me that “I’m a fan of Dick Tracy” bullshit. Nobody is.