Sexy Vampires: The Original Woke Misogynists

10/28/2017

By: Jason Elewski

Imagine you have found the perfect match on your favorite dating app: Pale, dark hair, and almost a reddish tint in his eyes. So you try to set up a lunch date, but he insists on meeting at night. Normally this would set off alarms, but his profile says he devoured Virginia Wolf and his pic boasts a set of bitchin’ abs, but not deliberately like most guys, so you decide to meet up. You agree on a bar that’s hip, but not too loud, because he really wants to “have a dialogue” with you.

Your date arrives right on time from seemingly out of nowhere. When you ask him if he’d like to grab a bite, he tells you that he prefers a “liquid diet” before giggling to himself like an idiot. This should have been another warning sign, but it’s not nearly enough to overlook the fact that he’s been kind, cordial, and shimmering. It only takes an hour for him to really open up about himself and it’s everything you’ve ever wanted to hear from a guy. He’s sex-positive, well traveled (mostly Eastern Europe), writes remotely for HuffPo, and can’t stand when people in positions of power attempt to galvanize the gender-normative behavior established by our patriarchal society. Oh, and he never spends too much time in front of the mirror.

But before you can even decide whether you want to kiss him, he’s suddenly a ravenous animal, teeth out and lunging at you. You say you’d rather not make out right now, but he’s not hearing anything you say anymore. This guy only wants one thing. He only wanted one thing from the get-go. That’s when you realize it’s the same old story. He’s a goddamn bloodsucker. This sexy vampire is just like every other vampire, albeit a very sexy one. So you grab a chopstick (thank god you picked an Asian fusion bar) and plunge it through that dipshit’s heart.

What you’ve just experienced is a brand of predator that’s been lurking in the shadows for hundreds of years, but has only recently become comfortable showing its perfectly chiseled face in the pale moonlight. As an emotionally aware, yet physically strong breed of vampire, sexy vampires have been on the rise in an era where awareness can be worn like a long black cape. But make no mistake, sexy vampires have been using their sensitivity and sexiness to lull victims into a false sense of security since the dawn of the puffy shirt. The times may change, but the douchebags remain the same.