Rick Perry Says Climate Change Can End Racism. Here’s How!

11/3/2017
By: Maximilian Stolte

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry has been showing a concerned nation of environmentalists that only through sacrificing the health of our planet can we cure the sickness of our society. Yesterday he suggested that fossil fuels could help end sexual abuse in Africa, but his plan to end racism by allowing climate change to continue unabated will truly be his political magnum opus.

“People like it when it’s warm outside, everyone is in a better mood. I talked to someone the other day who experienced racism last winter and it was partly due to the offender’s state of being so cold and angry. We aren’t angry at each other for being different, we’re angry because it’s too dang cold out,” Perry said during a meeting on carbon emissions and regulations this morning.

What Rick Perry has very effectively proven, is that it is only possible to be environmentally conscious or socially conscious. The two are mutually exclusive. One could be in favor of slowing down deforestation in the Amazon, but at the risk of allowing the pedophiles who live in trees there the shelter they need to stay hidden from authorities. As Perry sees it, there isn’t any possible way that we could stop polluting the ocean and allow gay couples to get married.

In this time of political divisiveness and scandals from nearly everyone with any iota of power over other people, it’s nice to see that we still have politicians who are worried about the little people. Sure, Elon Musk saved a hospital in Puerto Rico by providing solar power to bring electricity back to it, but can you imagine how much better it would have been if he destroyed the planet while doing it? Rick Perry can. With any luck, his ideas will be implemented and humanity will prosper at the expense of the planet that it calls home.