Report: Shelter Must Have Been Out Of All Other Dogs

By: Jake Dierksheide

Citing the dog’s “disgusting face” and “sheer quantity of fluid output”, researchers at the University of Illinois have come to the conclusion that there is no possible way that any other dogs were available at PAWS the day that Mark and Jennifer adopted their new pet.

The team of graduate students spent the afternoon of November 14th observing Ingrid, the name already given to the Bull Terrier/Bulldog mix at the time of adoption, in the hopes of discovering what possible hidden charm this nauseating excuse for one of God’s creations could hold. Ingrid spent much of that period dehydrating its own stupid body from saliva production and performing what may be the first known examples of “wet dry heaves”.

Mark and Jennifer, bless their hearts, have clearly spent the couple of weeks since the adoption attempting to will themselves into loving the abomination. Mark returns home from work each day with a can of $17 of prescription dog food to mollify Ingrid’s allergic reaction to anything crunchy, while Jennifer continually wipes the shit off of its stomach due to its backwards butthole. 

Unfortunately, our Heavenly Creator has not yet stricken down its greatest mistake and, at the time of writing, Mark and Jennifer still maintain custody of Ingrid. They continue to pretend to love the creature and have even taken a holiday photo of themselves alongside the new addition of their family for their Christmas card. With any luck they will be rid of the dumb piece of garbage soon, but until then all this reporter can say is: “Woof!”